Alone?

You know when there is one thing on your mind? Every second, every minute, every hour, everyday, every week of every month since it happened.

And you try so hard not to feel how you do inside about it. Too painful to remember yet equally painful to forget. You try not to let the thoughts get to you, not to let yourself remember how much you failed. How it was your fault. If you hadn’t of fucked up, you wouldn’t be feeling this way. You wouldn’t be alone.

And you want to feel pain, because it’s better than feeling nothing. Than being empty. Because you owe to it this thing you can’t stop thinking about, to its memory. Because without it you shouldn’t be happy. But you are also hesitant to feel. Because deep down you are so miserable that you are afraid. Afraid that it will consume you and turn you bitter. And the cycle begins. First you feel sad, upset because of it all. Every night you cry yourself to sleep because you can’t stand the thoughts, the memories. And then you become angry, at yourself. At the world, at the fact you are in this situation on the first place. Almost wishing you could forget. Then comes the emptiness.

I have tried everything to stop all these feelings. And out of all of them the emptiness is probably the worst. I have tried distracting myself, with anything and everything. Girlfriends, fuck buddies, one night stands, drinking, smoking, drugs, smoking, work, sports, study, playing an instrument, hanging out with friends, distancing myself from friends. And nothing has worked. No matter what or who I do I feel empty. And if for some reason I don’t feel empty I’m either sad or angry. I keep telling myself I need to feel pain. Not self inflicted pain, but the pain I feel when I’m sad, but worse. The pain of heartbreak. Because the more you hurt the more it shows you care… Doesn’t it? Because even though I’m the only one who will know, the pain represents how much I miss you.

Without you, the world has lost it’s beauty. The stars don’t shine as bright, the air is slightly colder and the nights are so much longer. I just need you, the one thing I can never see ever again.

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Adjusting

So it’s been about two, three months now? Since I moved out of dads. And I think I have finally adjusted to my new surroundings. The street I currently live on, feels like it’s come out of some Hollywood picture perfect sort of film. Like the Truman Show or something. I have always lived in a nice upper middle class neighbourhood (if that makes sense) but I have never seen a community so close and friendly with each other.

As I helped my friends dad (better father figure than my real father hands down) with the weeding, I began to mull over the current situation and my surroundings in my head. As we pulled the weeds out, we discussed the origins of mead in medieval times, and other various aspects of medieval times. Such as architecture, gender roles, beer brewing etc. And as this was going on, the neighbours children were outside playing, and upon seeing us pulling the weeks walked over and started to help us. I felt perplexed. Here we were having a typical Saturday doing your average family sort of thing. The kids were telling us stories, and the boy was talking to me about soccer.

I looked around at the perfectly mowed lawns and trimmed hedges. The shiny polished cars, and other happy kids playing in their yards amongst themselves and the parents getting involved. I couldn’t help but wonder what growing up in this environment (from day one) would of been like. It wasn’t long before the kids father came over and said hi, then took his son back to their yard and started playing soccer with him. As I mentioned earlier on, the boy (was about eight) was talking to me about soccer. He was very proud because he made it into some special soccer league, and was within the top five for his age group at school. Every afternoon after school, I hear him and his dad playing soccer together. I watched them kick the ball together, and listened to his father giving him tips on how to be the best. I thought back to when I was around his age, and how much I liked soccer. Then I remember all those weekends I spent kicking the ball against the wall by myself, because father didn’t want or have time, and mum was busy doing the house work after a full week at work. I remember being out there all day on the weekends, because I was trying to get better for try outs for the team. I never made it into the team of course.

The thing that really gets to me, is my friends parents are trying so hard to get me involved, to make me feel like I belong. But whenever I feel like I do or they try and have a parental sort of conversation with me, I just feel completely out of place, like I don’t belong here. Take tomorrow (well actually today) for instance. It’s Easter. And they are going to a friends for dinner and we are all expected to attend. I feel weird about going. What are there friends going to say about me? What are they going to ask me? How are they going to explain my presence there? They also want to take me to dads tomorrow to say hi. I don’t want to go. And they are in the process of organising my enrolment back into high school. I appreciate all the effort and it does make me feel good, but some how it just reminds how this isn’t truly my place. My family. Maybe it is a little too late.

Carol.

Today was great, actually today was an amazing day (until later tonight but I will get to that part later). Today was the first time in a while that I saw Carol. I was feeling pretty confident, that I was over the whole situation we have. I was proven wrong. The second I arrived, and she saw me take my seat, she stood up and ran over to hug me and greet me (she gives amazing hugs…). She made class interesting. I took my usual seat with the boys (I sit in the back corner and I like to have at least a desk to one side empty so I can throw my bag and books everywhere) and she left her seat with the girls and came down to sit next to me. She was chatty asking me about the holidays, and telling me that hers weren’t really that fun. I briefly told her about mine and got stuck into my work. I took my jumper off because it was hot, and she kept staring at me. I didn’t know what to do so I kept doing my work. She kept starting at me and then buried her head into my neck sniffing my shirt. Still didn’t know what to do, so I continued to write. She asked me to help her with her work, so I did. Honestly though, my mind is never right on a Friday. I’m constantly in weekend mode. She kept asking me about her appearance and if she looked okay, and I sheepishly replied she looked great. She informed me  that her boyfriend said hi, and at the moment she was getting sick of him. Which I wasn’t sure what to reply to. See this is  why I am so confused with her, because the signals she sends me throughout the rest of the class were very confusing. She kept touching my arm, my back, my side or playing with my hair. She spent half the lesson with her head on my shoulder or her face buried in my neck, sniffing my shirt. Which I must admit, was nice. And if that wasn’t enough, she kept resting her legs on my lap. At one point, I was writing in my book and she was stoking all up and down my arm, just staring at it. So I looked at her and she realised I was looking, and she kind of shook her head, stopped and laughed. She showed me her new shirt she bought (low cut, practically see through, tits coming out of her shirt) and with all the touching and boobs in my face, I couldn’t help but stare. She is so hot!!! And she has such pretty eyes, such an amazing body! I would kill to have her pressed against me.

Other guys in class are always hitting on her, and while she was talking to me some other guy came up to her and started talking to her. Which was fine for me, because for some reason all ability I have to be smooth, or the ability to speak in well structured sentences seem to go out the window when I’m with her. I must come across as the biggest dork when we speak. I couldn’t help but notice though, while she was talking to the other guy she asked him to help her with a question. To which he responded “It’s easy do it yourself, I can’t help you in a exam.” Which I guess is fair, but the tone he used and the look he gave her was unpleasent. She was not impressed by this comment, replying with a “thanks for making me feel like shit.” But that wasn’t the only thing he said to her, I mean he was being a real asshole to her, flirting with her at the same time. And she was eating it up. See usually that would be me, being an asshole (to a certain extent) and having a girl think I’m amazing. But I can’t do that with her. It’s so frustrating. It’s like I loose my ability to talk to girls successfully when we converse. Dare I say I like her? I know this is stupid and I keep going on about her, but maybe she might like me? I’m not sure anymore, I’m not even sure how I feel about her. Frustrated.

She came for a walk with me to get a slurpee on our twenty minute break, which was cool. While we were walking back she saw a friend and went over to say hi, then came back and said “I could never abandon you, you’re my friend.” COOL! See there it is, she sees me as her friend. Maybe I’m over thinking this. I don’t know. I’m not using to acting like this, because of a girl. Fuck I think I do like her…

I need sleep. Right now.

What fresh hell is this?

I am trying to start posting more blogs, my goal is to post at least two a week. And while slowly killing time on the internet instead of doing my essay or studying for my two exams, I thought I would write a post. I seem to be having trouble concentrating on anything that has to do with school work.

Now here’s a little something not many people know about me. The majority of the time, when I close my eyes all I can see are numbers and letters. There’s always some form of equation in my head, which is fine for me. But lately things seem to be slightly different. I close my eyes and I see her name in my head, or I see her. This girl I briefly mentioned in my previous blog (I just recently watched the Justice League Doom movie, so let’s call her ‘Carol’). I’m not sure how to explain my friendship with Carol apart from confusing. Okay, so I was hanging out with a friend and she wanted to take a few sexy pictures of herself, and out of the two of us she picked me to do it. So we went to a more discrete location and she proceeded to take her clothes off, and got me to take pictures of her on her phone. Now this is the part I feel stupid about. I have never been in this kind of a situation before, so I wasn’t sure what to do apart from take pictures of her. So there, I stand, awkwardly and getting horny over this gorgeous girl getting naked in front of me, posing in so many different positions, and asking me what I think of her body, and if that would turn the person who she was going to send the photos to on. I told my best friend about it, and he told me I was an idiot for not making a move. Which while I am slightly annoyed at myself for not doing so, I also am glad I didn’t. Now, I know she got naked in front of me, but here’s the thing… She picked me to take the photos, because maybe she trusts me better? Instead of my friend? And knows I won’t take advantage of the situation? Or maybe because she wanted to ride my dick. Just because she took her clothes off doesn’t mean she wants to have sex with me. And the fact that she was talking about not being able to wait for this guy to “do her so hard all night” …So she definitely DID NOT want to have sex with me (This all happened before she got back with her douche of an ex).

I just don’t know what to do! I went to her house yesterday, and it was so… I’m not sure how to explain it. She changed into the tiniest summer dress, I could see everything underneath. I’m sitting there the whole time trying to tutor her while she is wearing practically nothing… It was so difficult, and she kept distracting me, and distracting herself and her breasts kept coming out of her dress and I just couldn’t tell what was happening. All I know is that practically no work was done, I ended up falling on the floor from laughter half the time, and we ended up in her bed all day (no sex just watching movies). We watched Green Lantern, I almost fell over when she put it on, I can’t believe she likes those movies 🙂 But she’s in a relationship, and she can’t stop talking about this jerk. And I can’t get her out of my head!

So still having little progress with my essay, and now all I can think about is having sex with her. Or if I was still with my ex I wouldn’t even be having these thoughts because I would be so happy with her. And instead of thinking about sex I could just have sex right now. I think I subconsciously sabotage myself.

So…

So it’s been two months since I have written anything, and a lot has happened. I’ve started at my new school, and things are going awesome. I feel good getting up in the morning and getting ready. I look forward to going to school, which is something that I haven’t felt in a long time. My grades are awesome, and I’m not finding anything overly difficult. I’ve made a lot of new friends and even met a few cute girls, one who I think I’m starting to like (which isn’t good).

But of course everything isn’t perfect, I have assignments and exams and I’m really starting to feel the pressure. But it’s not the school work that seems to be getting to me, it’s all the personal shit. I’ve been in such a good mood, I was an idiot for thinking it would never end. It’s like there is always something bringing me down. Even though I’m surround by my friends for at least 12 hours a day, everyday; I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I always hear people complaining about their lives, and how shit they have it… When sometimes I think to myself, I’d kill to be in your position. At least your parents care about you, at least they talk to you and try and spend time with you. Most of my friends complain because their mum or dad want to take them out somewhere, or rather pick them up from a friends house then have them catch the bus… One of my friends was actually complaining because their mum was going to take him clothes shopping. How can you complain about that? ANY of that. I think its just all starting to get to me…

Then there’s this whole girl situation… I haven’t really hung out with any girls since me and my ex broke up. I have hung out with girls I already know who are my friends, but it’s different with her… She is so sexy, and cute. She makes me laugh, and she’s so flirty, but I don’t think she’d see me as more then a friend? I’m getting mixed signals from her, she’s always touching me and saying suggestive things, but then she says things that reaffirm my thoughts about her only seeing me as a friend. She’ll say things like “I’m cute” or “I’m so smart” or “I’m adorable” (which I know is the same as cute). And being told you are cute and smart by someone as attractive as her is never good. I’ve also seen her ex, which she is on and off with and he is the complete opposite of me. He’s such a jerk to her as well. Really frustrates me! The only reason she talks to me is probably so I can help her with her school work… I can’t say no to her…

Which reminds me of my ex, sort of. Sometimes I think about her, and I wonder if she even thinks about me. We had our problems, but when I was with her; everything felt great. It felt like she actually cared for me, and like she knew me so well. Sometimes I wish we never broke up, I wonder what it would be like… Ah I don’t know.

I guess I’m just trying to stay focussed on school, so I can go to university next year; and get out of this shit hole I call my life. I need to somehow power through all this shit so I can make something of myself. I just have to try not go get dragged down, which is proving to be difficult.