Adjusting

So it’s been about two, three months now? Since I moved out of dads. And I think I have finally adjusted to my new surroundings. The street I currently live on, feels like it’s come out of some Hollywood picture perfect sort of film. Like the Truman Show or something. I have always lived in a nice upper middle class neighbourhood (if that makes sense) but I have never seen a community so close and friendly with each other.

As I helped my friends dad (better father figure than my real father hands down) with the weeding, I began to mull over the current situation and my surroundings in my head. As we pulled the weeds out, we discussed the origins of mead in medieval times, and other various aspects of medieval times. Such as architecture, gender roles, beer brewing etc. And as this was going on, the neighbours children were outside playing, and upon seeing us pulling the weeks walked over and started to help us. I felt perplexed. Here we were having a typical Saturday doing your average family sort of thing. The kids were telling us stories, and the boy was talking to me about soccer.

I looked around at the perfectly mowed lawns and trimmed hedges. The shiny polished cars, and other happy kids playing in their yards amongst themselves and the parents getting involved. I couldn’t help but wonder what growing up in this environment (from day one) would of been like. It wasn’t long before the kids father came over and said hi, then took his son back to their yard and started playing soccer with him. As I mentioned earlier on, the boy (was about eight) was talking to me about soccer. He was very proud because he made it into some special soccer league, and was within the top five for his age group at school. Every afternoon after school, I hear him and his dad playing soccer together. I watched them kick the ball together, and listened to his father giving him tips on how to be the best. I thought back to when I was around his age, and how much I liked soccer. Then I remember all those weekends I spent kicking the ball against the wall by myself, because father didn’t want or have time, and mum was busy doing the house work after a full week at work. I remember being out there all day on the weekends, because I was trying to get better for try outs for the team. I never made it into the team of course.

The thing that really gets to me, is my friends parents are trying so hard to get me involved, to make me feel like I belong. But whenever I feel like I do or they try and have a parental sort of conversation with me, I just feel completely out of place, like I don’t belong here. Take tomorrow (well actually today) for instance. It’s Easter. And they are going to a friends for dinner and we are all expected to attend. I feel weird about going. What are there friends going to say about me? What are they going to ask me? How are they going to explain my presence there? They also want to take me to dads tomorrow to say hi. I don’t want to go. And they are in the process of organising my enrolment back into high school. I appreciate all the effort and it does make me feel good, but some how it just reminds how this isn’t truly my place. My family. Maybe it is a little too late.

Miss you.

It’s 2am, and I can’t think clearly. The memories of you are just running through my mind. I think back to the time when you were around, and while everything was far from perfect… At least I had you. I think of you everyday, but not properly. I remember things, I remember you. But it’s like I block out all the feelings that come along with those memories. Why? Because you were my everything. Because despite everything else, all that matter was when I held you in my arms. The world could be falling apart around me, and as long as I had you; I knew I’d be okay. Because with all that love, all that happiness you brought me, I now have emptiness. It’s something so hard to describe. And tonight, it’s all coming through. All this time blocking out how I feel. And I can’t breathe. My chest feels tight. I try to take a deep breath but I physically can’t. And my heart, it hurts. It feels like something has wrapped its hands around it, and is squeezing as hard as it can. As I lay here in bed, I wonder… Do you think of me? Do you remember? Like I remember? Because when I think about you with someone else, I can’t comprehend it. I try to tell myself you are happy, and that’s what matters. All I want is what’s best for you, but it hurts so much knowing you aren’t with me. It’s my fault I know, and that’s what makes it worse.

The pillow you use to lay your head on, I still keep in my bed. Every night when I go to sleep, I place it next to me. But since it’s been so long, your scent from your pillow is gone. Just another fading memory, I’m so desperately trying to hold onto. Where are you? I hope you are well. Me? I’m not doing so great. I need you so badly, and right now I’m so alone. But I guess that’s my fault too. No one else is worth my time now you’re gone. I have nothing to say to anyone unless it’s about you. And even when I talk about you what’s the point? It can’t be fixed, and I still don’t know anyone who truly understands how I feel. My bed is empty, I’m struggling to carry on. I keep staring at the photos but they just remind me you are gone. And it’s so hard tonight, I can’t keep it all in. I don’t know where to turn, I don’t know who to talk to. I just wish you were here, I hope you know I will always love you.

2am thoughts

As I mentioned in a previous post, I moved out of my dads. It’s been quite strange at times, not having to worry about him bothering me. I’m slowly adjusting to “normal” life. Today my friends parents took me shopping. For clothes and furniture for my room. And as I looked out and saw other families, I noticed little differences. People smiling at us, the occasional chat with complete strangers in the lift. Then I sort of took a step back, and realised what we must look like to the rest of the world. The comparison between going shopping with them, and if I was with my father.

Not only is my father a lazy prick, he doesn’t smile or talk with strangers. He isn’t overly polite. He’s just arrogant and selfish, thinks he’s better than the rest. When my father and I go shopping it’s forced, he rather pay someone money to take me shopping for the things I need. And when he can’t find someone to do it and has to come with me it’s so awkward. I think people can see that. I use to walk around with him and see all those people that were in the shopping centre with their parents and think “I wonder what that’s like.” And you know what? Today I found out.

To the rest of the world we are just another happy family spending our weekend shopping. I couldn’t help but look around and smile like an idiot. In my brief moment of happiness, it crept up on me. This really isn’t my family (as much as I’d like them to be, these are the people who were friends with my mum). Do I just look like some kid they felt sorry for and decided to bring along to the shops? And then I started to analyse everything. This environment, so happy and relaxed… I felt uneasy in it. Part of me feels like I don’t belong, maybe because I’m so use to putting up with my father.

What seems to bother me the most, is instead of enjoying my new found freedom and acceptance, I’m questioning it. I’m feeling uncomfortable by it. I wonder why this is the case?

Family Thoughts

Once again there is an absences of posts. It’s been about two months roughly. Sometimes I will have thoughts or ideas running through my head and think about writing a blog, but can never really get the ideas into words. Tonight, after a rough week I definately  need to write a blog. What’s on my mind? Family.

To be honest it’s been on my mind for a while, but in these past couple of days it’s just really got to me. Like I said before, I’ve had a pretty rough week. And yesterday just made it worse. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I don’t exactly have the greatest relationship with my father. Before my friend came over, he was yelling at me and throwing anything he could get his hands on at me because he remembered the time that I said thank you to the police. Long story short, he went to complain about one of our neighbours and they didn’t listen to him (which I told him they wouldn’t). Then he got angry started yelling and then got into an argument with two officers. They dealt with him in a polite way despite his aggressive behaviour, and he left. All I said to them was “thanks for your time” and it triggered the worse response from him. And he still holds this againts me. I ended up having a great day with my friend and came home later that night to get ready for friends to come round, and he was still angry at me. I waited for about an hour to see if he’d calmed down, because I was hungry and wanted to go to the fridge. So what happens? I get yelled at, told not to touch any food, and to tell my friends not to come round. To go buy my own, or to get my friends or my mum to buy it for me seeing I love them all so much. And then started the insults and being told I’m worthless and what not.

After having the perfect day, that brought my mood right down. I went for a walk to get dinner and clear my head, I was the only person in the restaurant sitting alone. It hit me, how alone I really was. Most of my friends were out with their girlfriends or boyfriends having dinner, or with their family. I was alone. And being alone, it gives you time to think…

But I try not to let life get me down, and I ended up having a good night. Sneaked out to my friends house for a few hours to lift my spirits. But today/tonight nothing could prepare me for this feeling. I went to my friends place (the one who’s parents knew my mum before I was born) and like always felt so welcomed. Their mum made me a nice lunch, and asked me about my week; and how things were going with dad. And she sat and listened, and showed me somethings she was interested in. Now I know this doesn’t sound like anything special, but the thing is I am not use to having an adult trying to interact with me. No one to ask me how my day was when I get home, or to make me food. It’s nice to be able to just sit and chat. Then their dad got home, and he does some kind of boxing or martial arts. Every time I go over and he’s home, he always attempts to bond with me. Today he took me downstairs and was showing me some fighting moves, and asked me what I was doing for fathers day. Fathers day… Not looking forward to that.

And at night, I things got unbearable. It just feels so strange, and difficult to go into someones house and be treated so well. To see them all get along and be happy. It really makes me see what I am missing out on. We spent an hour or so watching home videos of my friends (well more like brothers than friends) while they were babies and children. The trips to camp, boys brigade, christmas, birthdays or random videos around the house, and it hit me. I never had any of that. We never went camping when I was little. I was suppose to join the same boys brigade but my dad was too lazy to drive me. We never really did anything for christmas. And as for my birthdays I learnt from a young age that it wasn’t a day to look forward to. All these happy memories they had, which is awesome I am happy for them… I had a blast watching them because it reminded me of  all the stuff we’d do togther when we were little. But also made me sad because I had none. And to make it worse I think they noticed (as much as I was trying to smile) and so they suggested I should bring over some videos of me and we could watch them together. Which I awkwardly replied I have none. They said they were sure I was on a few of their home videos and they’d look for them. Attempting to cheer me up perhaps?

And right now, I just don’t know what to think anymore. In the eyes of my father, I don’t even exist. My mother, is remarried and has her own family (or so I have heard). I haven’t seen her since she left dad, which was almost ten years ago. Things were going good with Carol, we were spending lots of time together, texting 24/7, started hooking up, we ended up having sex. She told me she liked me more than a friend! Then all of the sudden I told her I really liked her and she flipped out on me. Told me I was a nice guy and she didn’t want to loose me as a friend. That she never wanted to lead me on. Like I’ve said multiple times, I’ve never felt so alone.

What fresh hell is this?

I am trying to start posting more blogs, my goal is to post at least two a week. And while slowly killing time on the internet instead of doing my essay or studying for my two exams, I thought I would write a post. I seem to be having trouble concentrating on anything that has to do with school work.

Now here’s a little something not many people know about me. The majority of the time, when I close my eyes all I can see are numbers and letters. There’s always some form of equation in my head, which is fine for me. But lately things seem to be slightly different. I close my eyes and I see her name in my head, or I see her. This girl I briefly mentioned in my previous blog (I just recently watched the Justice League Doom movie, so let’s call her ‘Carol’). I’m not sure how to explain my friendship with Carol apart from confusing. Okay, so I was hanging out with a friend and she wanted to take a few sexy pictures of herself, and out of the two of us she picked me to do it. So we went to a more discrete location and she proceeded to take her clothes off, and got me to take pictures of her on her phone. Now this is the part I feel stupid about. I have never been in this kind of a situation before, so I wasn’t sure what to do apart from take pictures of her. So there, I stand, awkwardly and getting horny over this gorgeous girl getting naked in front of me, posing in so many different positions, and asking me what I think of her body, and if that would turn the person who she was going to send the photos to on. I told my best friend about it, and he told me I was an idiot for not making a move. Which while I am slightly annoyed at myself for not doing so, I also am glad I didn’t. Now, I know she got naked in front of me, but here’s the thing… She picked me to take the photos, because maybe she trusts me better? Instead of my friend? And knows I won’t take advantage of the situation? Or maybe because she wanted to ride my dick. Just because she took her clothes off doesn’t mean she wants to have sex with me. And the fact that she was talking about not being able to wait for this guy to “do her so hard all night” …So she definitely DID NOT want to have sex with me (This all happened before she got back with her douche of an ex).

I just don’t know what to do! I went to her house yesterday, and it was so… I’m not sure how to explain it. She changed into the tiniest summer dress, I could see everything underneath. I’m sitting there the whole time trying to tutor her while she is wearing practically nothing… It was so difficult, and she kept distracting me, and distracting herself and her breasts kept coming out of her dress and I just couldn’t tell what was happening. All I know is that practically no work was done, I ended up falling on the floor from laughter half the time, and we ended up in her bed all day (no sex just watching movies). We watched Green Lantern, I almost fell over when she put it on, I can’t believe she likes those movies 🙂 But she’s in a relationship, and she can’t stop talking about this jerk. And I can’t get her out of my head!

So still having little progress with my essay, and now all I can think about is having sex with her. Or if I was still with my ex I wouldn’t even be having these thoughts because I would be so happy with her. And instead of thinking about sex I could just have sex right now. I think I subconsciously sabotage myself.

So…

So it’s been two months since I have written anything, and a lot has happened. I’ve started at my new school, and things are going awesome. I feel good getting up in the morning and getting ready. I look forward to going to school, which is something that I haven’t felt in a long time. My grades are awesome, and I’m not finding anything overly difficult. I’ve made a lot of new friends and even met a few cute girls, one who I think I’m starting to like (which isn’t good).

But of course everything isn’t perfect, I have assignments and exams and I’m really starting to feel the pressure. But it’s not the school work that seems to be getting to me, it’s all the personal shit. I’ve been in such a good mood, I was an idiot for thinking it would never end. It’s like there is always something bringing me down. Even though I’m surround by my friends for at least 12 hours a day, everyday; I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I always hear people complaining about their lives, and how shit they have it… When sometimes I think to myself, I’d kill to be in your position. At least your parents care about you, at least they talk to you and try and spend time with you. Most of my friends complain because their mum or dad want to take them out somewhere, or rather pick them up from a friends house then have them catch the bus… One of my friends was actually complaining because their mum was going to take him clothes shopping. How can you complain about that? ANY of that. I think its just all starting to get to me…

Then there’s this whole girl situation… I haven’t really hung out with any girls since me and my ex broke up. I have hung out with girls I already know who are my friends, but it’s different with her… She is so sexy, and cute. She makes me laugh, and she’s so flirty, but I don’t think she’d see me as more then a friend? I’m getting mixed signals from her, she’s always touching me and saying suggestive things, but then she says things that reaffirm my thoughts about her only seeing me as a friend. She’ll say things like “I’m cute” or “I’m so smart” or “I’m adorable” (which I know is the same as cute). And being told you are cute and smart by someone as attractive as her is never good. I’ve also seen her ex, which she is on and off with and he is the complete opposite of me. He’s such a jerk to her as well. Really frustrates me! The only reason she talks to me is probably so I can help her with her school work… I can’t say no to her…

Which reminds me of my ex, sort of. Sometimes I think about her, and I wonder if she even thinks about me. We had our problems, but when I was with her; everything felt great. It felt like she actually cared for me, and like she knew me so well. Sometimes I wish we never broke up, I wonder what it would be like… Ah I don’t know.

I guess I’m just trying to stay focussed on school, so I can go to university next year; and get out of this shit hole I call my life. I need to somehow power through all this shit so I can make something of myself. I just have to try not go get dragged down, which is proving to be difficult.

 

Ex’s

Today I was talking to my friend about this girl he use to hook up with, who he really liked but never dated. He was telling me how he missed her and wanted to be with her. To which I responded he needed to forget about the dumb bitch because all she ever did was cock block him, and didn’t even put out. Which got me thinking about my ex girlfriend. We dated for a while and then got back together. We didn’t contact each other for about a year then out of nowhere she started talking to me again. I found this really strange, but decided I was okay with talking to her, and that I would attempt to at least stay friends with her because we had broken up so long ago. Long story short we kind of got back together and I ended up breaking it off with her like I did all the other times.

But tonight things were different. My friend got me thinking, about my ex. How much I loved her and how great we were together. Which I guess I am still thinking about right now.

To a certain extent, I miss her. But even if she some how came over to my house and begged me to take her back, i wouldn’t. I couldn’t. We broke up for a reason and by the looks of it that is never going to change. She had her moments, where she was just perfect. She was so comforting, it felt like she was the only one who really understood me. I guess in some ways she was, because she was the only person who I ever shared some of the thoughts that were going on in my head. But now after everything I kind of feel like an idiot for doing that.

I don’t know, I’m tired, I can’t sleep. I have school today and I am going to be so fucked.