2am thoughts

As I mentioned in a previous post, I moved out of my dads. It’s been quite strange at times, not having to worry about him bothering me. I’m slowly adjusting to “normal” life. Today my friends parents took me shopping. For clothes and furniture for my room. And as I looked out and saw other families, I noticed little differences. People smiling at us, the occasional chat with complete strangers in the lift. Then I sort of took a step back, and realised what we must look like to the rest of the world. The comparison between going shopping with them, and if I was with my father.

Not only is my father a lazy prick, he doesn’t smile or talk with strangers. He isn’t overly polite. He’s just arrogant and selfish, thinks he’s better than the rest. When my father and I go shopping it’s forced, he rather pay someone money to take me shopping for the things I need. And when he can’t find someone to do it and has to come with me it’s so awkward. I think people can see that. I use to walk around with him and see all those people that were in the shopping centre with their parents and think “I wonder what that’s like.” And you know what? Today I found out.

To the rest of the world we are just another happy family spending our weekend shopping. I couldn’t help but look around and smile like an idiot. In my brief moment of happiness, it crept up on me. This really isn’t my family (as much as I’d like them to be, these are the people who were friends with my mum). Do I just look like some kid they felt sorry for and decided to bring along to the shops? And then I started to analyse everything. This environment, so happy and relaxed… I felt uneasy in it. Part of me feels like I don’t belong, maybe because I’m so use to putting up with my father.

What seems to bother me the most, is instead of enjoying my new found freedom and acceptance, I’m questioning it. I’m feeling uncomfortable by it. I wonder why this is the case?

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There’s a house, then there’s a home.

What’s happening to me? It’s a saturday night and I’m home alone. Well not entirely alone, my dad is here. Even though he has some slut over. My friends mum dropped me home not too long ago, because dad wouldn’t let me stay over my friends place (the whole father son bond is non existent between my dad and I). I hate coming back to my house, especially when dad has company over. My friends family is awesome, they use to be really close friends with my mum before she left my dad. They have known me since before I was born. They are pretty much my parents. If I’m ever sick or there is an emergency of any kind, and they need to call my parents I always give their number.

I just hate this feeling. Sitting alone in my room by myself while everyone is out having fun. Right now I could be at my friends house, either playing 360 or ps3, or meeting up with everyone and chilling. Instead I have the delight of hearing my dad and this slut going at it. Right now, I am beaten, I am worn down. As I was trying to explain at the early hours of this morning in my previous blog, last night was ruined by my father. You see lately, I have stopped going to the gym, and have been focussing more on my studies and getting ready for university. In my fathers eyes this makes me weak. A real man works out, plays sport, gets drunk. He isn’t sitting behind a desk reading or looking up at the night sky watching the stars. Such an idiotic idea. There is nothing wrong with doing any of the things I just mentioned, and I would love to have the time to go to the gym. But lately my priorities have changed. I want to do something with my life, not in the sense of changing the world or saving something… I want to understand, I want to know what gives things in our universe mass, I want to know why the big bang happened. Are there other dimensions? Can we verify string theory? Will we ever be able to travel through a black hole? But my father seems to think that makes me less masculine. That it makes me weak.

But back to what I was saying before, I had such a great day yesterday. Then I got home and my father ruined everything by yelling at me, and calling me weak, telling me I am pathetic like mum. You know, I don’t blame her for leaving, I want to leave. There is only so much you can push a person before they snap. But it’s going to be worse tonight, once he’s done with that woman, he’s going to come into my room like he does every night. He’s going to look for a fight. Pushing me until I snap, and force a confrontation. He’s like a dog, needing to assert himself as the alpha male around a younger male. Tonight he has an audience, one which will probably (by the look of her) cheer on his animalistic behaviour. I don’t particularly feel like getting shoved around so he can satisfy his ego in front of some slut. I could respond, but I’m not sinking to his level.

I can’t help but feel so isolated from the rest of the world right now. Yes I go to school everyday. Go on walks or hang out with friends, but the way I see the world at the moment is different. I know you should never compare your life or your situation with anyone else, right now I’m struggling not to. I think this is getting in the way of how I socially interact with the rest of the world. The workload from school and “problems at home” seem to be making me inept at life. All my friends have girlfriends, or a friend with benefits. They have both parents, and have a good relationship with their parents. I have neither of these (there I go comparing again). And I can’t talk to anyone about it, because the second I try and open my mouth to talk I just choke up. Then again the way my dad has raised me, if he knew how I felt, I’d cop a good beating for being such a “sissy”.

When I’m at my friends house, there isn’t a care in the world. I can have conversations with his parents. We interact, we do things together. Their house is my home. I have never felt such a strong sense of belonging.

And there it was, the inevitable fight. The confrontation. Right now, I hate myself. I feel so low, so worthless. I know I’m better than this, or at least I think I’m suppose to be.