Miss you.

It’s 2am, and I can’t think clearly. The memories of you are just running through my mind. I think back to the time when you were around, and while everything was far from perfect… At least I had you. I think of you everyday, but not properly. I remember things, I remember you. But it’s like I block out all the feelings that come along with those memories. Why? Because you were my everything. Because despite everything else, all that matter was when I held you in my arms. The world could be falling apart around me, and as long as I had you; I knew I’d be okay. Because with all that love, all that happiness you brought me, I now have emptiness. It’s something so hard to describe. And tonight, it’s all coming through. All this time blocking out how I feel. And I can’t breathe. My chest feels tight. I try to take a deep breath but I physically can’t. And my heart, it hurts. It feels like something has wrapped its hands around it, and is squeezing as hard as it can. As I lay here in bed, I wonder… Do you think of me? Do you remember? Like I remember? Because when I think about you with someone else, I can’t comprehend it. I try to tell myself you are happy, and that’s what matters. All I want is what’s best for you, but it hurts so much knowing you aren’t with me. It’s my fault I know, and that’s what makes it worse.

The pillow you use to lay your head on, I still keep in my bed. Every night when I go to sleep, I place it next to me. But since it’s been so long, your scent from your pillow is gone. Just another fading memory, I’m so desperately trying to hold onto. Where are you? I hope you are well. Me? I’m not doing so great. I need you so badly, and right now I’m so alone. But I guess that’s my fault too. No one else is worth my time now you’re gone. I have nothing to say to anyone unless it’s about you. And even when I talk about you what’s the point? It can’t be fixed, and I still don’t know anyone who truly understands how I feel. My bed is empty, I’m struggling to carry on. I keep staring at the photos but they just remind me you are gone. And it’s so hard tonight, I can’t keep it all in. I don’t know where to turn, I don’t know who to talk to. I just wish you were here, I hope you know I will always love you.

What fresh hell is this?

I am trying to start posting more blogs, my goal is to post at least two a week. And while slowly killing time on the internet instead of doing my essay or studying for my two exams, I thought I would write a post. I seem to be having trouble concentrating on anything that has to do with school work.

Now here’s a little something not many people know about me. The majority of the time, when I close my eyes all I can see are numbers and letters. There’s always some form of equation in my head, which is fine for me. But lately things seem to be slightly different. I close my eyes and I see her name in my head, or I see her. This girl I briefly mentioned in my previous blog (I just recently watched the Justice League Doom movie, so let’s call her ‘Carol’). I’m not sure how to explain my friendship with Carol apart from confusing. Okay, so I was hanging out with a friend and she wanted to take a few sexy pictures of herself, and out of the two of us she picked me to do it. So we went to a more discrete location and she proceeded to take her clothes off, and got me to take pictures of her on her phone. Now this is the part I feel stupid about. I have never been in this kind of a situation before, so I wasn’t sure what to do apart from take pictures of her. So there, I stand, awkwardly and getting horny over this gorgeous girl getting naked in front of me, posing in so many different positions, and asking me what I think of her body, and if that would turn the person who she was going to send the photos to on. I told my best friend about it, and he told me I was an idiot for not making a move. Which while I am slightly annoyed at myself for not doing so, I also am glad I didn’t. Now, I know she got naked in front of me, but here’s the thing… She picked me to take the photos, because maybe she trusts me better? Instead of my friend? And knows I won’t take advantage of the situation? Or maybe because she wanted to ride my dick. Just because she took her clothes off doesn’t mean she wants to have sex with me. And the fact that she was talking about not being able to wait for this guy to “do her so hard all night” …So she definitely DID NOT want to have sex with me (This all happened before she got back with her douche of an ex).

I just don’t know what to do! I went to her house yesterday, and it was so… I’m not sure how to explain it. She changed into the tiniest summer dress, I could see everything underneath. I’m sitting there the whole time trying to tutor her while she is wearing practically nothing… It was so difficult, and she kept distracting me, and distracting herself and her breasts kept coming out of her dress and I just couldn’t tell what was happening. All I know is that practically no work was done, I ended up falling on the floor from laughter half the time, and we ended up in her bed all day (no sex just watching movies). We watched Green Lantern, I almost fell over when she put it on, I can’t believe she likes those movies 🙂 But she’s in a relationship, and she can’t stop talking about this jerk. And I can’t get her out of my head!

So still having little progress with my essay, and now all I can think about is having sex with her. Or if I was still with my ex I wouldn’t even be having these thoughts because I would be so happy with her. And instead of thinking about sex I could just have sex right now. I think I subconsciously sabotage myself.

So…

So it’s been two months since I have written anything, and a lot has happened. I’ve started at my new school, and things are going awesome. I feel good getting up in the morning and getting ready. I look forward to going to school, which is something that I haven’t felt in a long time. My grades are awesome, and I’m not finding anything overly difficult. I’ve made a lot of new friends and even met a few cute girls, one who I think I’m starting to like (which isn’t good).

But of course everything isn’t perfect, I have assignments and exams and I’m really starting to feel the pressure. But it’s not the school work that seems to be getting to me, it’s all the personal shit. I’ve been in such a good mood, I was an idiot for thinking it would never end. It’s like there is always something bringing me down. Even though I’m surround by my friends for at least 12 hours a day, everyday; I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I always hear people complaining about their lives, and how shit they have it… When sometimes I think to myself, I’d kill to be in your position. At least your parents care about you, at least they talk to you and try and spend time with you. Most of my friends complain because their mum or dad want to take them out somewhere, or rather pick them up from a friends house then have them catch the bus… One of my friends was actually complaining because their mum was going to take him clothes shopping. How can you complain about that? ANY of that. I think its just all starting to get to me…

Then there’s this whole girl situation… I haven’t really hung out with any girls since me and my ex broke up. I have hung out with girls I already know who are my friends, but it’s different with her… She is so sexy, and cute. She makes me laugh, and she’s so flirty, but I don’t think she’d see me as more then a friend? I’m getting mixed signals from her, she’s always touching me and saying suggestive things, but then she says things that reaffirm my thoughts about her only seeing me as a friend. She’ll say things like “I’m cute” or “I’m so smart” or “I’m adorable” (which I know is the same as cute). And being told you are cute and smart by someone as attractive as her is never good. I’ve also seen her ex, which she is on and off with and he is the complete opposite of me. He’s such a jerk to her as well. Really frustrates me! The only reason she talks to me is probably so I can help her with her school work… I can’t say no to her…

Which reminds me of my ex, sort of. Sometimes I think about her, and I wonder if she even thinks about me. We had our problems, but when I was with her; everything felt great. It felt like she actually cared for me, and like she knew me so well. Sometimes I wish we never broke up, I wonder what it would be like… Ah I don’t know.

I guess I’m just trying to stay focussed on school, so I can go to university next year; and get out of this shit hole I call my life. I need to somehow power through all this shit so I can make something of myself. I just have to try not go get dragged down, which is proving to be difficult.

 

This blog…

As the title suggests, the contents of this post are about this blog. On here I am going to be writing personal thoughts about events, experiences in my life. I like my privacy, so I usually don’t share these thoughts with others. But here I can say what I like without anyone knowing anything but my thoughts, which is good. Then again that is if anyone out there actually reads this, which I doubt.