Alone?

You know when there is one thing on your mind? Every second, every minute, every hour, everyday, every week of every month since it happened.

And you try so hard not to feel how you do inside about it. Too painful to remember yet equally painful to forget. You try not to let the thoughts get to you, not to let yourself remember how much you failed. How it was your fault. If you hadn’t of fucked up, you wouldn’t be feeling this way. You wouldn’t be alone.

And you want to feel pain, because it’s better than feeling nothing. Than being empty. Because you owe to it this thing you can’t stop thinking about, to its memory. Because without it you shouldn’t be happy. But you are also hesitant to feel. Because deep down you are so miserable that you are afraid. Afraid that it will consume you and turn you bitter. And the cycle begins. First you feel sad, upset because of it all. Every night you cry yourself to sleep because you can’t stand the thoughts, the memories. And then you become angry, at yourself. At the world, at the fact you are in this situation on the first place. Almost wishing you could forget. Then comes the emptiness.

I have tried everything to stop all these feelings. And out of all of them the emptiness is probably the worst. I have tried distracting myself, with anything and everything. Girlfriends, fuck buddies, one night stands, drinking, smoking, drugs, smoking, work, sports, study, playing an instrument, hanging out with friends, distancing myself from friends. And nothing has worked. No matter what or who I do I feel empty. And if for some reason I don’t feel empty I’m either sad or angry. I keep telling myself I need to feel pain. Not self inflicted pain, but the pain I feel when I’m sad, but worse. The pain of heartbreak. Because the more you hurt the more it shows you care… Doesn’t it? Because even though I’m the only one who will know, the pain represents how much I miss you.

Without you, the world has lost it’s beauty. The stars don’t shine as bright, the air is slightly colder and the nights are so much longer. I just need you, the one thing I can never see ever again.

Miss you.

It’s 2am, and I can’t think clearly. The memories of you are just running through my mind. I think back to the time when you were around, and while everything was far from perfect… At least I had you. I think of you everyday, but not properly. I remember things, I remember you. But it’s like I block out all the feelings that come along with those memories. Why? Because you were my everything. Because despite everything else, all that matter was when I held you in my arms. The world could be falling apart around me, and as long as I had you; I knew I’d be okay. Because with all that love, all that happiness you brought me, I now have emptiness. It’s something so hard to describe. And tonight, it’s all coming through. All this time blocking out how I feel. And I can’t breathe. My chest feels tight. I try to take a deep breath but I physically can’t. And my heart, it hurts. It feels like something has wrapped its hands around it, and is squeezing as hard as it can. As I lay here in bed, I wonder… Do you think of me? Do you remember? Like I remember? Because when I think about you with someone else, I can’t comprehend it. I try to tell myself you are happy, and that’s what matters. All I want is what’s best for you, but it hurts so much knowing you aren’t with me. It’s my fault I know, and that’s what makes it worse.

The pillow you use to lay your head on, I still keep in my bed. Every night when I go to sleep, I place it next to me. But since it’s been so long, your scent from your pillow is gone. Just another fading memory, I’m so desperately trying to hold onto. Where are you? I hope you are well. Me? I’m not doing so great. I need you so badly, and right now I’m so alone. But I guess that’s my fault too. No one else is worth my time now you’re gone. I have nothing to say to anyone unless it’s about you. And even when I talk about you what’s the point? It can’t be fixed, and I still don’t know anyone who truly understands how I feel. My bed is empty, I’m struggling to carry on. I keep staring at the photos but they just remind me you are gone. And it’s so hard tonight, I can’t keep it all in. I don’t know where to turn, I don’t know who to talk to. I just wish you were here, I hope you know I will always love you.