2013

First month of 2013 is almost over, can you believe it?! I know I can’t. Last year went so fast, it all seems like a blur. Especially the last few months. Between November and where we are now, so much has changed. Not only did I end up dating Carol, we ended just as unexpectedly as we started. But Carol is the least of my concerns at the moment. I have left my dad’s place, which in the long run is great but something feels wrong. I don’t miss being around him, because he was an asshole, but I just feel uneasy all the time. In the new place I’m at it’s great, I’m surrounded by people who care and love me, but for some reason I feel more alone and isolated than ever before. The days either drag on, or speed up and just sort of turn into a massive blur. I find myself spending more of my days laying around in bed or on the couch, and less and less talking to friends (not that any of my friends really care enough to see me) or going out. I’m always tired, not to mention the fact I have gained 5kg and lost the majority of muscle and definition. I think I’m stuck in a rut, or maybe this is what I’m meant to be.

To give you all an idea of what my day consists of (which isn’t much) here is what I did today:

11am – Woke up, watched porn. Went back to sleep.
12:30pm – Went up stairs, had lunch. Laid on the couch.
1:00pm – Had a shower, more porn. Back to the couch.
5:30pm – Ordered dinner.
6:00pm – Back to the couch, watched movies.
12:00am – Got up, went to bed.
1:30am – Started to write this blog. Thinking about porn.

Apart from the uneventful day, the sad thing is, it’s an effort to watch porn. Maybe I just need a good nights sleep and attempt this blog thing in the morning.

There’s a house, then there’s a home.

What’s happening to me? It’s a saturday night and I’m home alone. Well not entirely alone, my dad is here. Even though he has some slut over. My friends mum dropped me home not too long ago, because dad wouldn’t let me stay over my friends place (the whole father son bond is non existent between my dad and I). I hate coming back to my house, especially when dad has company over. My friends family is awesome, they use to be really close friends with my mum before she left my dad. They have known me since before I was born. They are pretty much my parents. If I’m ever sick or there is an emergency of any kind, and they need to call my parents I always give their number.

I just hate this feeling. Sitting alone in my room by myself while everyone is out having fun. Right now I could be at my friends house, either playing 360 or ps3, or meeting up with everyone and chilling. Instead I have the delight of hearing my dad and this slut going at it. Right now, I am beaten, I am worn down. As I was trying to explain at the early hours of this morning in my previous blog, last night was ruined by my father. You see lately, I have stopped going to the gym, and have been focussing more on my studies and getting ready for university. In my fathers eyes this makes me weak. A real man works out, plays sport, gets drunk. He isn’t sitting behind a desk reading or looking up at the night sky watching the stars. Such an idiotic idea. There is nothing wrong with doing any of the things I just mentioned, and I would love to have the time to go to the gym. But lately my priorities have changed. I want to do something with my life, not in the sense of changing the world or saving something… I want to understand, I want to know what gives things in our universe mass, I want to know why the big bang happened. Are there other dimensions? Can we verify string theory? Will we ever be able to travel through a black hole? But my father seems to think that makes me less masculine. That it makes me weak.

But back to what I was saying before, I had such a great day yesterday. Then I got home and my father ruined everything by yelling at me, and calling me weak, telling me I am pathetic like mum. You know, I don’t blame her for leaving, I want to leave. There is only so much you can push a person before they snap. But it’s going to be worse tonight, once he’s done with that woman, he’s going to come into my room like he does every night. He’s going to look for a fight. Pushing me until I snap, and force a confrontation. He’s like a dog, needing to assert himself as the alpha male around a younger male. Tonight he has an audience, one which will probably (by the look of her) cheer on his animalistic behaviour. I don’t particularly feel like getting shoved around so he can satisfy his ego in front of some slut. I could respond, but I’m not sinking to his level.

I can’t help but feel so isolated from the rest of the world right now. Yes I go to school everyday. Go on walks or hang out with friends, but the way I see the world at the moment is different. I know you should never compare your life or your situation with anyone else, right now I’m struggling not to. I think this is getting in the way of how I socially interact with the rest of the world. The workload from school and “problems at home” seem to be making me inept at life. All my friends have girlfriends, or a friend with benefits. They have both parents, and have a good relationship with their parents. I have neither of these (there I go comparing again). And I can’t talk to anyone about it, because the second I try and open my mouth to talk I just choke up. Then again the way my dad has raised me, if he knew how I felt, I’d cop a good beating for being such a “sissy”.

When I’m at my friends house, there isn’t a care in the world. I can have conversations with his parents. We interact, we do things together. Their house is my home. I have never felt such a strong sense of belonging.

And there it was, the inevitable fight. The confrontation. Right now, I hate myself. I feel so low, so worthless. I know I’m better than this, or at least I think I’m suppose to be.