Adjusting

So it’s been about two, three months now? Since I moved out of dads. And I think I have finally adjusted to my new surroundings. The street I currently live on, feels like it’s come out of some Hollywood picture perfect sort of film. Like the Truman Show or something. I have always lived in a nice upper middle class neighbourhood (if that makes sense) but I have never seen a community so close and friendly with each other.

As I helped my friends dad (better father figure than my real father hands down) with the weeding, I began to mull over the current situation and my surroundings in my head. As we pulled the weeds out, we discussed the origins of mead in medieval times, and other various aspects of medieval times. Such as architecture, gender roles, beer brewing etc. And as this was going on, the neighbours children were outside playing, and upon seeing us pulling the weeks walked over and started to help us. I felt perplexed. Here we were having a typical Saturday doing your average family sort of thing. The kids were telling us stories, and the boy was talking to me about soccer.

I looked around at the perfectly mowed lawns and trimmed hedges. The shiny polished cars, and other happy kids playing in their yards amongst themselves and the parents getting involved. I couldn’t help but wonder what growing up in this environment (from day one) would of been like. It wasn’t long before the kids father came over and said hi, then took his son back to their yard and started playing soccer with him. As I mentioned earlier on, the boy (was about eight) was talking to me about soccer. He was very proud because he made it into some special soccer league, and was within the top five for his age group at school. Every afternoon after school, I hear him and his dad playing soccer together. I watched them kick the ball together, and listened to his father giving him tips on how to be the best. I thought back to when I was around his age, and how much I liked soccer. Then I remember all those weekends I spent kicking the ball against the wall by myself, because father didn’t want or have time, and mum was busy doing the house work after a full week at work. I remember being out there all day on the weekends, because I was trying to get better for try outs for the team. I never made it into the team of course.

The thing that really gets to me, is my friends parents are trying so hard to get me involved, to make me feel like I belong. But whenever I feel like I do or they try and have a parental sort of conversation with me, I just feel completely out of place, like I don’t belong here. Take tomorrow (well actually today) for instance. It’s Easter. And they are going to a friends for dinner and we are all expected to attend. I feel weird about going. What are there friends going to say about me? What are they going to ask me? How are they going to explain my presence there? They also want to take me to dads tomorrow to say hi. I don’t want to go. And they are in the process of organising my enrolment back into high school. I appreciate all the effort and it does make me feel good, but some how it just reminds how this isn’t truly my place. My family. Maybe it is a little too late.

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2am thoughts

As I mentioned in a previous post, I moved out of my dads. It’s been quite strange at times, not having to worry about him bothering me. I’m slowly adjusting to “normal” life. Today my friends parents took me shopping. For clothes and furniture for my room. And as I looked out and saw other families, I noticed little differences. People smiling at us, the occasional chat with complete strangers in the lift. Then I sort of took a step back, and realised what we must look like to the rest of the world. The comparison between going shopping with them, and if I was with my father.

Not only is my father a lazy prick, he doesn’t smile or talk with strangers. He isn’t overly polite. He’s just arrogant and selfish, thinks he’s better than the rest. When my father and I go shopping it’s forced, he rather pay someone money to take me shopping for the things I need. And when he can’t find someone to do it and has to come with me it’s so awkward. I think people can see that. I use to walk around with him and see all those people that were in the shopping centre with their parents and think “I wonder what that’s like.” And you know what? Today I found out.

To the rest of the world we are just another happy family spending our weekend shopping. I couldn’t help but look around and smile like an idiot. In my brief moment of happiness, it crept up on me. This really isn’t my family (as much as I’d like them to be, these are the people who were friends with my mum). Do I just look like some kid they felt sorry for and decided to bring along to the shops? And then I started to analyse everything. This environment, so happy and relaxed… I felt uneasy in it. Part of me feels like I don’t belong, maybe because I’m so use to putting up with my father.

What seems to bother me the most, is instead of enjoying my new found freedom and acceptance, I’m questioning it. I’m feeling uncomfortable by it. I wonder why this is the case?

2013

First month of 2013 is almost over, can you believe it?! I know I can’t. Last year went so fast, it all seems like a blur. Especially the last few months. Between November and where we are now, so much has changed. Not only did I end up dating Carol, we ended just as unexpectedly as we started. But Carol is the least of my concerns at the moment. I have left my dad’s place, which in the long run is great but something feels wrong. I don’t miss being around him, because he was an asshole, but I just feel uneasy all the time. In the new place I’m at it’s great, I’m surrounded by people who care and love me, but for some reason I feel more alone and isolated than ever before. The days either drag on, or speed up and just sort of turn into a massive blur. I find myself spending more of my days laying around in bed or on the couch, and less and less talking to friends (not that any of my friends really care enough to see me) or going out. I’m always tired, not to mention the fact I have gained 5kg and lost the majority of muscle and definition. I think I’m stuck in a rut, or maybe this is what I’m meant to be.

To give you all an idea of what my day consists of (which isn’t much) here is what I did today:

11am – Woke up, watched porn. Went back to sleep.
12:30pm – Went up stairs, had lunch. Laid on the couch.
1:00pm – Had a shower, more porn. Back to the couch.
5:30pm – Ordered dinner.
6:00pm – Back to the couch, watched movies.
12:00am – Got up, went to bed.
1:30am – Started to write this blog. Thinking about porn.

Apart from the uneventful day, the sad thing is, it’s an effort to watch porn. Maybe I just need a good nights sleep and attempt this blog thing in the morning.

End of year celebrations?

So it’s that time again, end of the year. School/University ends, holidays are close and christmas is about a month away. Happy time yes? Not really. I don’t know about all of you, but i personally hate Christmas. But I will get to that later.

To be honest I think my world is slowly coming to pieces around me. I haven’t been to school in about two months. While things with Carol went from bad, to worse; then to good… I still don’t think things will work out. And more and more am I finding my friends failing me. Either not making the effort or cancelling our plans. I may not be at school but I still make an effort to stay in contact with all my friends and see them, it’s not crazy to think they’d do the same for me. I am at an all time low. With not being at school, and not having a job the prospect of making Carol my girlfriend is very slim. The prospect of having a girlfriend, any girl to be my girlfriend is ridiculously slim. I just want things to pick up, for everything to be good again. But I am having trouble getting there. And with everything going on lately, I am sick of trying.

And then you add Christmas to it. Like I said earlier I hate Christmas. Not only does my father LOVE to celebrate Christmas, his idea of Christmas altogether is idiotic. Yes I know it’s a time for being with the people you love, but it’s also about giving and sharing (right?). And he only gives if you have earned it throughout the year. Now my brother, has slacked off as much as I have, except he’s done it since the beginning of the year. And what will he get for Christmas? Oh probably everything he wants, like always. I have already been informed that due to my recent behaviour, there will be no presents for me. And to top it all off I have to put up with everyone coming over, and everyone but me getting presents. I’ve tried talking to my father, giving him hints about things I might want for Christmas, and his response? “You don’t deserve presents. I’m not wasting money on you. You want everything that comes out.” What the fuck?! I wish I could just find somewhere to go on Christmas day, where I don’t have to see anyone or do anything. Just be alone.

Actually I kind of wish I had of gone to school. Maybe things would be different right now. Maybe I’d have a girlfriend. Maybe I’d be having a good Christmas. I don’t know. Either way I am not looking forward to Christmas time.

Family Thoughts

Once again there is an absences of posts. It’s been about two months roughly. Sometimes I will have thoughts or ideas running through my head and think about writing a blog, but can never really get the ideas into words. Tonight, after a rough week I definately  need to write a blog. What’s on my mind? Family.

To be honest it’s been on my mind for a while, but in these past couple of days it’s just really got to me. Like I said before, I’ve had a pretty rough week. And yesterday just made it worse. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I don’t exactly have the greatest relationship with my father. Before my friend came over, he was yelling at me and throwing anything he could get his hands on at me because he remembered the time that I said thank you to the police. Long story short, he went to complain about one of our neighbours and they didn’t listen to him (which I told him they wouldn’t). Then he got angry started yelling and then got into an argument with two officers. They dealt with him in a polite way despite his aggressive behaviour, and he left. All I said to them was “thanks for your time” and it triggered the worse response from him. And he still holds this againts me. I ended up having a great day with my friend and came home later that night to get ready for friends to come round, and he was still angry at me. I waited for about an hour to see if he’d calmed down, because I was hungry and wanted to go to the fridge. So what happens? I get yelled at, told not to touch any food, and to tell my friends not to come round. To go buy my own, or to get my friends or my mum to buy it for me seeing I love them all so much. And then started the insults and being told I’m worthless and what not.

After having the perfect day, that brought my mood right down. I went for a walk to get dinner and clear my head, I was the only person in the restaurant sitting alone. It hit me, how alone I really was. Most of my friends were out with their girlfriends or boyfriends having dinner, or with their family. I was alone. And being alone, it gives you time to think…

But I try not to let life get me down, and I ended up having a good night. Sneaked out to my friends house for a few hours to lift my spirits. But today/tonight nothing could prepare me for this feeling. I went to my friends place (the one who’s parents knew my mum before I was born) and like always felt so welcomed. Their mum made me a nice lunch, and asked me about my week; and how things were going with dad. And she sat and listened, and showed me somethings she was interested in. Now I know this doesn’t sound like anything special, but the thing is I am not use to having an adult trying to interact with me. No one to ask me how my day was when I get home, or to make me food. It’s nice to be able to just sit and chat. Then their dad got home, and he does some kind of boxing or martial arts. Every time I go over and he’s home, he always attempts to bond with me. Today he took me downstairs and was showing me some fighting moves, and asked me what I was doing for fathers day. Fathers day… Not looking forward to that.

And at night, I things got unbearable. It just feels so strange, and difficult to go into someones house and be treated so well. To see them all get along and be happy. It really makes me see what I am missing out on. We spent an hour or so watching home videos of my friends (well more like brothers than friends) while they were babies and children. The trips to camp, boys brigade, christmas, birthdays or random videos around the house, and it hit me. I never had any of that. We never went camping when I was little. I was suppose to join the same boys brigade but my dad was too lazy to drive me. We never really did anything for christmas. And as for my birthdays I learnt from a young age that it wasn’t a day to look forward to. All these happy memories they had, which is awesome I am happy for them… I had a blast watching them because it reminded me of  all the stuff we’d do togther when we were little. But also made me sad because I had none. And to make it worse I think they noticed (as much as I was trying to smile) and so they suggested I should bring over some videos of me and we could watch them together. Which I awkwardly replied I have none. They said they were sure I was on a few of their home videos and they’d look for them. Attempting to cheer me up perhaps?

And right now, I just don’t know what to think anymore. In the eyes of my father, I don’t even exist. My mother, is remarried and has her own family (or so I have heard). I haven’t seen her since she left dad, which was almost ten years ago. Things were going good with Carol, we were spending lots of time together, texting 24/7, started hooking up, we ended up having sex. She told me she liked me more than a friend! Then all of the sudden I told her I really liked her and she flipped out on me. Told me I was a nice guy and she didn’t want to loose me as a friend. That she never wanted to lead me on. Like I’ve said multiple times, I’ve never felt so alone.

Never thought I’d…

Lately I have been thinking quite a lot. Isn’t it funny how things seem to fall together in life? Some of the things we are or were either so against, or thought we’d never want, can turn out to be some of the things we need or want most in our life. And even thought all along people have tried to show us this, we can’t come across this realisation until we for ourselves, on our own discover this need or want.

And my head is spinning. Just thinking about all of this. I think at one point, we have to distinguish between a dream, and what is actually attainable. Now I know that people always say the sky is the limit, but I think sometimes we have to be a little realistic with what can actually happen.

So here it is, my confession. I want that dreary desk job, in fact I think I am looking forward to it (not like that feeling will last). Nothing wrong with stability, and I want 100% financial stability. Buying my own house, and being in a committed relationship. As terrifying as commitment is, I think deep down, everyone needs somebody to love.

I think I am ready to grow up, it’s a scary thought… But I think I’m almost there, now I just need time on my side.

🙂

There’s a house, then there’s a home.

What’s happening to me? It’s a saturday night and I’m home alone. Well not entirely alone, my dad is here. Even though he has some slut over. My friends mum dropped me home not too long ago, because dad wouldn’t let me stay over my friends place (the whole father son bond is non existent between my dad and I). I hate coming back to my house, especially when dad has company over. My friends family is awesome, they use to be really close friends with my mum before she left my dad. They have known me since before I was born. They are pretty much my parents. If I’m ever sick or there is an emergency of any kind, and they need to call my parents I always give their number.

I just hate this feeling. Sitting alone in my room by myself while everyone is out having fun. Right now I could be at my friends house, either playing 360 or ps3, or meeting up with everyone and chilling. Instead I have the delight of hearing my dad and this slut going at it. Right now, I am beaten, I am worn down. As I was trying to explain at the early hours of this morning in my previous blog, last night was ruined by my father. You see lately, I have stopped going to the gym, and have been focussing more on my studies and getting ready for university. In my fathers eyes this makes me weak. A real man works out, plays sport, gets drunk. He isn’t sitting behind a desk reading or looking up at the night sky watching the stars. Such an idiotic idea. There is nothing wrong with doing any of the things I just mentioned, and I would love to have the time to go to the gym. But lately my priorities have changed. I want to do something with my life, not in the sense of changing the world or saving something… I want to understand, I want to know what gives things in our universe mass, I want to know why the big bang happened. Are there other dimensions? Can we verify string theory? Will we ever be able to travel through a black hole? But my father seems to think that makes me less masculine. That it makes me weak.

But back to what I was saying before, I had such a great day yesterday. Then I got home and my father ruined everything by yelling at me, and calling me weak, telling me I am pathetic like mum. You know, I don’t blame her for leaving, I want to leave. There is only so much you can push a person before they snap. But it’s going to be worse tonight, once he’s done with that woman, he’s going to come into my room like he does every night. He’s going to look for a fight. Pushing me until I snap, and force a confrontation. He’s like a dog, needing to assert himself as the alpha male around a younger male. Tonight he has an audience, one which will probably (by the look of her) cheer on his animalistic behaviour. I don’t particularly feel like getting shoved around so he can satisfy his ego in front of some slut. I could respond, but I’m not sinking to his level.

I can’t help but feel so isolated from the rest of the world right now. Yes I go to school everyday. Go on walks or hang out with friends, but the way I see the world at the moment is different. I know you should never compare your life or your situation with anyone else, right now I’m struggling not to. I think this is getting in the way of how I socially interact with the rest of the world. The workload from school and “problems at home” seem to be making me inept at life. All my friends have girlfriends, or a friend with benefits. They have both parents, and have a good relationship with their parents. I have neither of these (there I go comparing again). And I can’t talk to anyone about it, because the second I try and open my mouth to talk I just choke up. Then again the way my dad has raised me, if he knew how I felt, I’d cop a good beating for being such a “sissy”.

When I’m at my friends house, there isn’t a care in the world. I can have conversations with his parents. We interact, we do things together. Their house is my home. I have never felt such a strong sense of belonging.

And there it was, the inevitable fight. The confrontation. Right now, I hate myself. I feel so low, so worthless. I know I’m better than this, or at least I think I’m suppose to be.