Adjusting

So it’s been about two, three months now? Since I moved out of dads. And I think I have finally adjusted to my new surroundings. The street I currently live on, feels like it’s come out of some Hollywood picture perfect sort of film. Like the Truman Show or something. I have always lived in a nice upper middle class neighbourhood (if that makes sense) but I have never seen a community so close and friendly with each other.

As I helped my friends dad (better father figure than my real father hands down) with the weeding, I began to mull over the current situation and my surroundings in my head. As we pulled the weeds out, we discussed the origins of mead in medieval times, and other various aspects of medieval times. Such as architecture, gender roles, beer brewing etc. And as this was going on, the neighbours children were outside playing, and upon seeing us pulling the weeks walked over and started to help us. I felt perplexed. Here we were having a typical Saturday doing your average family sort of thing. The kids were telling us stories, and the boy was talking to me about soccer.

I looked around at the perfectly mowed lawns and trimmed hedges. The shiny polished cars, and other happy kids playing in their yards amongst themselves and the parents getting involved. I couldn’t help but wonder what growing up in this environment (from day one) would of been like. It wasn’t long before the kids father came over and said hi, then took his son back to their yard and started playing soccer with him. As I mentioned earlier on, the boy (was about eight) was talking to me about soccer. He was very proud because he made it into some special soccer league, and was within the top five for his age group at school. Every afternoon after school, I hear him and his dad playing soccer together. I watched them kick the ball together, and listened to his father giving him tips on how to be the best. I thought back to when I was around his age, and how much I liked soccer. Then I remember all those weekends I spent kicking the ball against the wall by myself, because father didn’t want or have time, and mum was busy doing the house work after a full week at work. I remember being out there all day on the weekends, because I was trying to get better for try outs for the team. I never made it into the team of course.

The thing that really gets to me, is my friends parents are trying so hard to get me involved, to make me feel like I belong. But whenever I feel like I do or they try and have a parental sort of conversation with me, I just feel completely out of place, like I don’t belong here. Take tomorrow (well actually today) for instance. It’s Easter. And they are going to a friends for dinner and we are all expected to attend. I feel weird about going. What are there friends going to say about me? What are they going to ask me? How are they going to explain my presence there? They also want to take me to dads tomorrow to say hi. I don’t want to go. And they are in the process of organising my enrolment back into high school. I appreciate all the effort and it does make me feel good, but some how it just reminds how this isn’t truly my place. My family. Maybe it is a little too late.

End of year celebrations?

So it’s that time again, end of the year. School/University ends, holidays are close and christmas is about a month away. Happy time yes? Not really. I don’t know about all of you, but i personally hate Christmas. But I will get to that later.

To be honest I think my world is slowly coming to pieces around me. I haven’t been to school in about two months. While things with Carol went from bad, to worse; then to good… I still don’t think things will work out. And more and more am I finding my friends failing me. Either not making the effort or cancelling our plans. I may not be at school but I still make an effort to stay in contact with all my friends and see them, it’s not crazy to think they’d do the same for me. I am at an all time low. With not being at school, and not having a job the prospect of making Carol my girlfriend is very slim. The prospect of having a girlfriend, any girl to be my girlfriend is ridiculously slim. I just want things to pick up, for everything to be good again. But I am having trouble getting there. And with everything going on lately, I am sick of trying.

And then you add Christmas to it. Like I said earlier I hate Christmas. Not only does my father LOVE to celebrate Christmas, his idea of Christmas altogether is idiotic. Yes I know it’s a time for being with the people you love, but it’s also about giving and sharing (right?). And he only gives if you have earned it throughout the year. Now my brother, has slacked off as much as I have, except he’s done it since the beginning of the year. And what will he get for Christmas? Oh probably everything he wants, like always. I have already been informed that due to my recent behaviour, there will be no presents for me. And to top it all off I have to put up with everyone coming over, and everyone but me getting presents. I’ve tried talking to my father, giving him hints about things I might want for Christmas, and his response? “You don’t deserve presents. I’m not wasting money on you. You want everything that comes out.” What the fuck?! I wish I could just find somewhere to go on Christmas day, where I don’t have to see anyone or do anything. Just be alone.

Actually I kind of wish I had of gone to school. Maybe things would be different right now. Maybe I’d have a girlfriend. Maybe I’d be having a good Christmas. I don’t know. Either way I am not looking forward to Christmas time.

Life can suck sometimes

Okay so I don’t write on here much, I’d ideally want to write more but I usually forget what I want to write. It seems like only the things that are bothering me make it on here. Well we all have different ways of dealing with what is bothering us, for me it’s blogging about it. I am not sure how or why but it makes me feel a little bit better. Which leaves me at tonight. Lately everything has been kind of shit, but tonight there is only one thing that is bothering me, my father.

So here I sit in my room, wondering if I am the only one this shit happens to. I was really hungry so I decided to go make dinner. But my father got angry at me because I wanted to go into the kitchen and make food. He insisted I had to wait til his show was done because he didn’t want me touching anything. I hadn’t eaten anything in almost two days so I wasn’t waiting. Long story short my dad started yelling at me calling me names and saying I was as pathetic as my mother. The situation escalated from words to violence. I got the shit beaten out of me.

Now it doesn’t get me down as much as you’d think it would. It just makes it hard to stay focussed or motivated when it comes to every day things. I’m starting to fail at school, I don’t want to see my friends or anyone else anymore. I just want to sit in my room all day alone. I am at that point where I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to end up like one of those unemployed drop kick losers that has no friends or anyone that loves them.

What fresh hell is this?

I am trying to start posting more blogs, my goal is to post at least two a week. And while slowly killing time on the internet instead of doing my essay or studying for my two exams, I thought I would write a post. I seem to be having trouble concentrating on anything that has to do with school work.

Now here’s a little something not many people know about me. The majority of the time, when I close my eyes all I can see are numbers and letters. There’s always some form of equation in my head, which is fine for me. But lately things seem to be slightly different. I close my eyes and I see her name in my head, or I see her. This girl I briefly mentioned in my previous blog (I just recently watched the Justice League Doom movie, so let’s call her ‘Carol’). I’m not sure how to explain my friendship with Carol apart from confusing. Okay, so I was hanging out with a friend and she wanted to take a few sexy pictures of herself, and out of the two of us she picked me to do it. So we went to a more discrete location and she proceeded to take her clothes off, and got me to take pictures of her on her phone. Now this is the part I feel stupid about. I have never been in this kind of a situation before, so I wasn’t sure what to do apart from take pictures of her. So there, I stand, awkwardly and getting horny over this gorgeous girl getting naked in front of me, posing in so many different positions, and asking me what I think of her body, and if that would turn the person who she was going to send the photos to on. I told my best friend about it, and he told me I was an idiot for not making a move. Which while I am slightly annoyed at myself for not doing so, I also am glad I didn’t. Now, I know she got naked in front of me, but here’s the thing… She picked me to take the photos, because maybe she trusts me better? Instead of my friend? And knows I won’t take advantage of the situation? Or maybe because she wanted to ride my dick. Just because she took her clothes off doesn’t mean she wants to have sex with me. And the fact that she was talking about not being able to wait for this guy to “do her so hard all night” …So she definitely DID NOT want to have sex with me (This all happened before she got back with her douche of an ex).

I just don’t know what to do! I went to her house yesterday, and it was so… I’m not sure how to explain it. She changed into the tiniest summer dress, I could see everything underneath. I’m sitting there the whole time trying to tutor her while she is wearing practically nothing… It was so difficult, and she kept distracting me, and distracting herself and her breasts kept coming out of her dress and I just couldn’t tell what was happening. All I know is that practically no work was done, I ended up falling on the floor from laughter half the time, and we ended up in her bed all day (no sex just watching movies). We watched Green Lantern, I almost fell over when she put it on, I can’t believe she likes those movies 🙂 But she’s in a relationship, and she can’t stop talking about this jerk. And I can’t get her out of my head!

So still having little progress with my essay, and now all I can think about is having sex with her. Or if I was still with my ex I wouldn’t even be having these thoughts because I would be so happy with her. And instead of thinking about sex I could just have sex right now. I think I subconsciously sabotage myself.

So…

So it’s been two months since I have written anything, and a lot has happened. I’ve started at my new school, and things are going awesome. I feel good getting up in the morning and getting ready. I look forward to going to school, which is something that I haven’t felt in a long time. My grades are awesome, and I’m not finding anything overly difficult. I’ve made a lot of new friends and even met a few cute girls, one who I think I’m starting to like (which isn’t good).

But of course everything isn’t perfect, I have assignments and exams and I’m really starting to feel the pressure. But it’s not the school work that seems to be getting to me, it’s all the personal shit. I’ve been in such a good mood, I was an idiot for thinking it would never end. It’s like there is always something bringing me down. Even though I’m surround by my friends for at least 12 hours a day, everyday; I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I always hear people complaining about their lives, and how shit they have it… When sometimes I think to myself, I’d kill to be in your position. At least your parents care about you, at least they talk to you and try and spend time with you. Most of my friends complain because their mum or dad want to take them out somewhere, or rather pick them up from a friends house then have them catch the bus… One of my friends was actually complaining because their mum was going to take him clothes shopping. How can you complain about that? ANY of that. I think its just all starting to get to me…

Then there’s this whole girl situation… I haven’t really hung out with any girls since me and my ex broke up. I have hung out with girls I already know who are my friends, but it’s different with her… She is so sexy, and cute. She makes me laugh, and she’s so flirty, but I don’t think she’d see me as more then a friend? I’m getting mixed signals from her, she’s always touching me and saying suggestive things, but then she says things that reaffirm my thoughts about her only seeing me as a friend. She’ll say things like “I’m cute” or “I’m so smart” or “I’m adorable” (which I know is the same as cute). And being told you are cute and smart by someone as attractive as her is never good. I’ve also seen her ex, which she is on and off with and he is the complete opposite of me. He’s such a jerk to her as well. Really frustrates me! The only reason she talks to me is probably so I can help her with her school work… I can’t say no to her…

Which reminds me of my ex, sort of. Sometimes I think about her, and I wonder if she even thinks about me. We had our problems, but when I was with her; everything felt great. It felt like she actually cared for me, and like she knew me so well. Sometimes I wish we never broke up, I wonder what it would be like… Ah I don’t know.

I guess I’m just trying to stay focussed on school, so I can go to university next year; and get out of this shit hole I call my life. I need to somehow power through all this shit so I can make something of myself. I just have to try not go get dragged down, which is proving to be difficult.