2013

First month of 2013 is almost over, can you believe it?! I know I can’t. Last year went so fast, it all seems like a blur. Especially the last few months. Between November and where we are now, so much has changed. Not only did I end up dating Carol, we ended just as unexpectedly as we started. But Carol is the least of my concerns at the moment. I have left my dad’s place, which in the long run is great but something feels wrong. I don’t miss being around him, because he was an asshole, but I just feel uneasy all the time. In the new place I’m at it’s great, I’m surrounded by people who care and love me, but for some reason I feel more alone and isolated than ever before. The days either drag on, or speed up and just sort of turn into a massive blur. I find myself spending more of my days laying around in bed or on the couch, and less and less talking to friends (not that any of my friends really care enough to see me) or going out. I’m always tired, not to mention the fact I have gained 5kg and lost the majority of muscle and definition. I think I’m stuck in a rut, or maybe this is what I’m meant to be.

To give you all an idea of what my day consists of (which isn’t much) here is what I did today:

11am – Woke up, watched porn. Went back to sleep.
12:30pm – Went up stairs, had lunch. Laid on the couch.
1:00pm – Had a shower, more porn. Back to the couch.
5:30pm – Ordered dinner.
6:00pm – Back to the couch, watched movies.
12:00am – Got up, went to bed.
1:30am – Started to write this blog. Thinking about porn.

Apart from the uneventful day, the sad thing is, it’s an effort to watch porn. Maybe I just need a good nights sleep and attempt this blog thing in the morning.

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Carol.

Today was great, actually today was an amazing day (until later tonight but I will get to that part later). Today was the first time in a while that I saw Carol. I was feeling pretty confident, that I was over the whole situation we have. I was proven wrong. The second I arrived, and she saw me take my seat, she stood up and ran over to hug me and greet me (she gives amazing hugs…). She made class interesting. I took my usual seat with the boys (I sit in the back corner and I like to have at least a desk to one side empty so I can throw my bag and books everywhere) and she left her seat with the girls and came down to sit next to me. She was chatty asking me about the holidays, and telling me that hers weren’t really that fun. I briefly told her about mine and got stuck into my work. I took my jumper off because it was hot, and she kept staring at me. I didn’t know what to do so I kept doing my work. She kept starting at me and then buried her head into my neck sniffing my shirt. Still didn’t know what to do, so I continued to write. She asked me to help her with her work, so I did. Honestly though, my mind is never right on a Friday. I’m constantly in weekend mode. She kept asking me about her appearance and if she looked okay, and I sheepishly replied she looked great. She informed me  that her boyfriend said hi, and at the moment she was getting sick of him. Which I wasn’t sure what to reply to. See this is  why I am so confused with her, because the signals she sends me throughout the rest of the class were very confusing. She kept touching my arm, my back, my side or playing with my hair. She spent half the lesson with her head on my shoulder or her face buried in my neck, sniffing my shirt. Which I must admit, was nice. And if that wasn’t enough, she kept resting her legs on my lap. At one point, I was writing in my book and she was stoking all up and down my arm, just staring at it. So I looked at her and she realised I was looking, and she kind of shook her head, stopped and laughed. She showed me her new shirt she bought (low cut, practically see through, tits coming out of her shirt) and with all the touching and boobs in my face, I couldn’t help but stare. She is so hot!!! And she has such pretty eyes, such an amazing body! I would kill to have her pressed against me.

Other guys in class are always hitting on her, and while she was talking to me some other guy came up to her and started talking to her. Which was fine for me, because for some reason all ability I have to be smooth, or the ability to speak in well structured sentences seem to go out the window when I’m with her. I must come across as the biggest dork when we speak. I couldn’t help but notice though, while she was talking to the other guy she asked him to help her with a question. To which he responded “It’s easy do it yourself, I can’t help you in a exam.” Which I guess is fair, but the tone he used and the look he gave her was unpleasent. She was not impressed by this comment, replying with a “thanks for making me feel like shit.” But that wasn’t the only thing he said to her, I mean he was being a real asshole to her, flirting with her at the same time. And she was eating it up. See usually that would be me, being an asshole (to a certain extent) and having a girl think I’m amazing. But I can’t do that with her. It’s so frustrating. It’s like I loose my ability to talk to girls successfully when we converse. Dare I say I like her? I know this is stupid and I keep going on about her, but maybe she might like me? I’m not sure anymore, I’m not even sure how I feel about her. Frustrated.

She came for a walk with me to get a slurpee on our twenty minute break, which was cool. While we were walking back she saw a friend and went over to say hi, then came back and said “I could never abandon you, you’re my friend.” COOL! See there it is, she sees me as her friend. Maybe I’m over thinking this. I don’t know. I’m not using to acting like this, because of a girl. Fuck I think I do like her…

I need sleep. Right now.