Alone?

You know when there is one thing on your mind? Every second, every minute, every hour, everyday, every week of every month since it happened.

And you try so hard not to feel how you do inside about it. Too painful to remember yet equally painful to forget. You try not to let the thoughts get to you, not to let yourself remember how much you failed. How it was your fault. If you hadn’t of fucked up, you wouldn’t be feeling this way. You wouldn’t be alone.

And you want to feel pain, because it’s better than feeling nothing. Than being empty. Because you owe to it this thing you can’t stop thinking about, to its memory. Because without it you shouldn’t be happy. But you are also hesitant to feel. Because deep down you are so miserable that you are afraid. Afraid that it will consume you and turn you bitter. And the cycle begins. First you feel sad, upset because of it all. Every night you cry yourself to sleep because you can’t stand the thoughts, the memories. And then you become angry, at yourself. At the world, at the fact you are in this situation on the first place. Almost wishing you could forget. Then comes the emptiness.

I have tried everything to stop all these feelings. And out of all of them the emptiness is probably the worst. I have tried distracting myself, with anything and everything. Girlfriends, fuck buddies, one night stands, drinking, smoking, drugs, smoking, work, sports, study, playing an instrument, hanging out with friends, distancing myself from friends. And nothing has worked. No matter what or who I do I feel empty. And if for some reason I don’t feel empty I’m either sad or angry. I keep telling myself I need to feel pain. Not self inflicted pain, but the pain I feel when I’m sad, but worse. The pain of heartbreak. Because the more you hurt the more it shows you care… Doesn’t it? Because even though I’m the only one who will know, the pain represents how much I miss you.

Without you, the world has lost it’s beauty. The stars don’t shine as bright, the air is slightly colder and the nights are so much longer. I just need you, the one thing I can never see ever again.

Advertisements

Family Thoughts

Once again there is an absences of posts. It’s been about two months roughly. Sometimes I will have thoughts or ideas running through my head and think about writing a blog, but can never really get the ideas into words. Tonight, after a rough week I definately  need to write a blog. What’s on my mind? Family.

To be honest it’s been on my mind for a while, but in these past couple of days it’s just really got to me. Like I said before, I’ve had a pretty rough week. And yesterday just made it worse. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I don’t exactly have the greatest relationship with my father. Before my friend came over, he was yelling at me and throwing anything he could get his hands on at me because he remembered the time that I said thank you to the police. Long story short, he went to complain about one of our neighbours and they didn’t listen to him (which I told him they wouldn’t). Then he got angry started yelling and then got into an argument with two officers. They dealt with him in a polite way despite his aggressive behaviour, and he left. All I said to them was “thanks for your time” and it triggered the worse response from him. And he still holds this againts me. I ended up having a great day with my friend and came home later that night to get ready for friends to come round, and he was still angry at me. I waited for about an hour to see if he’d calmed down, because I was hungry and wanted to go to the fridge. So what happens? I get yelled at, told not to touch any food, and to tell my friends not to come round. To go buy my own, or to get my friends or my mum to buy it for me seeing I love them all so much. And then started the insults and being told I’m worthless and what not.

After having the perfect day, that brought my mood right down. I went for a walk to get dinner and clear my head, I was the only person in the restaurant sitting alone. It hit me, how alone I really was. Most of my friends were out with their girlfriends or boyfriends having dinner, or with their family. I was alone. And being alone, it gives you time to think…

But I try not to let life get me down, and I ended up having a good night. Sneaked out to my friends house for a few hours to lift my spirits. But today/tonight nothing could prepare me for this feeling. I went to my friends place (the one who’s parents knew my mum before I was born) and like always felt so welcomed. Their mum made me a nice lunch, and asked me about my week; and how things were going with dad. And she sat and listened, and showed me somethings she was interested in. Now I know this doesn’t sound like anything special, but the thing is I am not use to having an adult trying to interact with me. No one to ask me how my day was when I get home, or to make me food. It’s nice to be able to just sit and chat. Then their dad got home, and he does some kind of boxing or martial arts. Every time I go over and he’s home, he always attempts to bond with me. Today he took me downstairs and was showing me some fighting moves, and asked me what I was doing for fathers day. Fathers day… Not looking forward to that.

And at night, I things got unbearable. It just feels so strange, and difficult to go into someones house and be treated so well. To see them all get along and be happy. It really makes me see what I am missing out on. We spent an hour or so watching home videos of my friends (well more like brothers than friends) while they were babies and children. The trips to camp, boys brigade, christmas, birthdays or random videos around the house, and it hit me. I never had any of that. We never went camping when I was little. I was suppose to join the same boys brigade but my dad was too lazy to drive me. We never really did anything for christmas. And as for my birthdays I learnt from a young age that it wasn’t a day to look forward to. All these happy memories they had, which is awesome I am happy for them… I had a blast watching them because it reminded me of  all the stuff we’d do togther when we were little. But also made me sad because I had none. And to make it worse I think they noticed (as much as I was trying to smile) and so they suggested I should bring over some videos of me and we could watch them together. Which I awkwardly replied I have none. They said they were sure I was on a few of their home videos and they’d look for them. Attempting to cheer me up perhaps?

And right now, I just don’t know what to think anymore. In the eyes of my father, I don’t even exist. My mother, is remarried and has her own family (or so I have heard). I haven’t seen her since she left dad, which was almost ten years ago. Things were going good with Carol, we were spending lots of time together, texting 24/7, started hooking up, we ended up having sex. She told me she liked me more than a friend! Then all of the sudden I told her I really liked her and she flipped out on me. Told me I was a nice guy and she didn’t want to loose me as a friend. That she never wanted to lead me on. Like I’ve said multiple times, I’ve never felt so alone.