4am rant

I’m getting less slack with posts. Maybe. I have noticed they have changed the way the wordpress home page looks like. I like it 🙂

Anyway, it’s almost 4am and I can’t sleep. Sitting in my room alone, I realise that I am craving human attention. Particularly female attention (not in a sexual way, actually wouldn’t mind that kind of female attention but that’s not what I mean). Lately it seems (even after my extensive thing with Carol which I can’t remember if I have explained) that even though I’m spending more time with girls, I seem to be talking less to them. So what does any person at 4am in the morning do when they are craving human, particularly female interaction? Turn to the internet. Not only does this make me feel a little sad, but then half way through responding to a message I realise… I have no idea what to say to a girl. 

I just am not very good at talking over messages. Talking in person I’m great, even talking over the phone I’m pretty good. But when it comes to messaging I am completely and totally awkward. So much so, that I have resorted to talking about the weather and time differences. Poor girl, she’s probably hoping I don’t reply. Actually I don’t think she is going to reply. Oh, I am pleasantly surprised. Oh yeah Zach, use the word frolic in a sentence. Because that’s completely normal. Ah who am I kidding. Like I said, completely lost for words.

So Carol. Things got good between us, really good. We were spending lots of time together, always texting, always hanging out. She seemed to like the idea of us having sex a lot more than I thought she would. And for a while things got great, so much so that I decided to ask her out. And that’s where my mistake was. Shot down, in a second. She was shocked to realise I liked her enough to want to date her. And that I was a good friend and she didn’t wanna loose me as a friend. They way she acted, she acted more like a girlfriend than a friend. Wow, stuck in the friend zone even while I was fucking her. How the fuck did I manage that?

Not really sure where to go from here, too embarrassed to talk to her, and too tired to get into this post anymore. My bed is calling my name!

Family Thoughts

Once again there is an absences of posts. It’s been about two months roughly. Sometimes I will have thoughts or ideas running through my head and think about writing a blog, but can never really get the ideas into words. Tonight, after a rough week I definately  need to write a blog. What’s on my mind? Family.

To be honest it’s been on my mind for a while, but in these past couple of days it’s just really got to me. Like I said before, I’ve had a pretty rough week. And yesterday just made it worse. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I don’t exactly have the greatest relationship with my father. Before my friend came over, he was yelling at me and throwing anything he could get his hands on at me because he remembered the time that I said thank you to the police. Long story short, he went to complain about one of our neighbours and they didn’t listen to him (which I told him they wouldn’t). Then he got angry started yelling and then got into an argument with two officers. They dealt with him in a polite way despite his aggressive behaviour, and he left. All I said to them was “thanks for your time” and it triggered the worse response from him. And he still holds this againts me. I ended up having a great day with my friend and came home later that night to get ready for friends to come round, and he was still angry at me. I waited for about an hour to see if he’d calmed down, because I was hungry and wanted to go to the fridge. So what happens? I get yelled at, told not to touch any food, and to tell my friends not to come round. To go buy my own, or to get my friends or my mum to buy it for me seeing I love them all so much. And then started the insults and being told I’m worthless and what not.

After having the perfect day, that brought my mood right down. I went for a walk to get dinner and clear my head, I was the only person in the restaurant sitting alone. It hit me, how alone I really was. Most of my friends were out with their girlfriends or boyfriends having dinner, or with their family. I was alone. And being alone, it gives you time to think…

But I try not to let life get me down, and I ended up having a good night. Sneaked out to my friends house for a few hours to lift my spirits. But today/tonight nothing could prepare me for this feeling. I went to my friends place (the one who’s parents knew my mum before I was born) and like always felt so welcomed. Their mum made me a nice lunch, and asked me about my week; and how things were going with dad. And she sat and listened, and showed me somethings she was interested in. Now I know this doesn’t sound like anything special, but the thing is I am not use to having an adult trying to interact with me. No one to ask me how my day was when I get home, or to make me food. It’s nice to be able to just sit and chat. Then their dad got home, and he does some kind of boxing or martial arts. Every time I go over and he’s home, he always attempts to bond with me. Today he took me downstairs and was showing me some fighting moves, and asked me what I was doing for fathers day. Fathers day… Not looking forward to that.

And at night, I things got unbearable. It just feels so strange, and difficult to go into someones house and be treated so well. To see them all get along and be happy. It really makes me see what I am missing out on. We spent an hour or so watching home videos of my friends (well more like brothers than friends) while they were babies and children. The trips to camp, boys brigade, christmas, birthdays or random videos around the house, and it hit me. I never had any of that. We never went camping when I was little. I was suppose to join the same boys brigade but my dad was too lazy to drive me. We never really did anything for christmas. And as for my birthdays I learnt from a young age that it wasn’t a day to look forward to. All these happy memories they had, which is awesome I am happy for them… I had a blast watching them because it reminded me of  all the stuff we’d do togther when we were little. But also made me sad because I had none. And to make it worse I think they noticed (as much as I was trying to smile) and so they suggested I should bring over some videos of me and we could watch them together. Which I awkwardly replied I have none. They said they were sure I was on a few of their home videos and they’d look for them. Attempting to cheer me up perhaps?

And right now, I just don’t know what to think anymore. In the eyes of my father, I don’t even exist. My mother, is remarried and has her own family (or so I have heard). I haven’t seen her since she left dad, which was almost ten years ago. Things were going good with Carol, we were spending lots of time together, texting 24/7, started hooking up, we ended up having sex. She told me she liked me more than a friend! Then all of the sudden I told her I really liked her and she flipped out on me. Told me I was a nice guy and she didn’t want to loose me as a friend. That she never wanted to lead me on. Like I’ve said multiple times, I’ve never felt so alone.

1940s

1940s to mid 1950s. Currently very curious and interesed in this time frame. Now I am not the kind of person that knows too much about this time frame, only thing that I know about it is that back in those days there was some kind of war, NASA wasn’t even formed yet (NACA was instead) and sputnik hadn’t even been launched yet and the first “all purpose” computer was realised in 1946 (ENIAC). All that being said, the limit in technology back in those days would be like a horror movie for me. Oh and Italian gangsters come to mind, like Al Capone but I don’t know when he was around.

But that’s not what is interesting me, no it’s the lifestyle. Now seeing I was no where near alive, hell my parents were probably not even around back then, my knowledge on this time frame is mainly based on movies and various searches on the internet. But what I think is this: life seemed to be a lot more simpler back then. Now I could be completely wrong, but that’s just my interpretation. I have been thinking about writing a blog about this for a while, but I am not 100% sure how to put my thoughts into words. The world seemed more innocent then, life was different.

The one thing that gets me the most though, is the women were so different back then! Don’t get me wrong, show me some slutty chick wearing next to nothing and you have my undivided attention; I’d probably do backflips just to get into bed with her. But that’s not the kind of girl you want to have a relationship with! But back then it seems like women were more refined, you met a nice girl got married and started your life together. If there was a problem with your marriage you tried to fix it not get a divorce.

I don’t know, there is just something nice about the thought of going to work everyday then coming home to your wife waiting for you with dinner on the table, asking you how your day was. I know this can happen in our world today, but something about the attitudes and ideology back then are different. Something you can’t find today.

Like I mentioned before, I am not really sure how to put this all into words. Maybe I’m thinking like this because of my new found views on what I might want or what appeals to me currently in life. I don’t know. Just something that’s been on my mind lately.

Decisions.

Sometimes it’s hard to decide what to do, or what direction to take life in. And at the current moment I am absolutely confused on what direction to take. On one hand, I continue my studies, (which can take 6-8 years to finish) or I can get a job. One of the jobs I applied for tonight (which hopefully I will get, at least I think I have a good chance of getting it) pays $120,000.00 a year. Right now I don’t know what to do, and I’m doubting every option I have. Be it working or studying. If I take this job, it means I walk away from studying and eventually establishing a career in something I am passionate about. But if I turn down this job, I am missing out on $120k a year, I can’t just walk away from that kind of money.

Never thought I’d…

Lately I have been thinking quite a lot. Isn’t it funny how things seem to fall together in life? Some of the things we are or were either so against, or thought we’d never want, can turn out to be some of the things we need or want most in our life. And even thought all along people have tried to show us this, we can’t come across this realisation until we for ourselves, on our own discover this need or want.

And my head is spinning. Just thinking about all of this. I think at one point, we have to distinguish between a dream, and what is actually attainable. Now I know that people always say the sky is the limit, but I think sometimes we have to be a little realistic with what can actually happen.

So here it is, my confession. I want that dreary desk job, in fact I think I am looking forward to it (not like that feeling will last). Nothing wrong with stability, and I want 100% financial stability. Buying my own house, and being in a committed relationship. As terrifying as commitment is, I think deep down, everyone needs somebody to love.

I think I am ready to grow up, it’s a scary thought… But I think I’m almost there, now I just need time on my side.

🙂

Life can suck sometimes

Okay so I don’t write on here much, I’d ideally want to write more but I usually forget what I want to write. It seems like only the things that are bothering me make it on here. Well we all have different ways of dealing with what is bothering us, for me it’s blogging about it. I am not sure how or why but it makes me feel a little bit better. Which leaves me at tonight. Lately everything has been kind of shit, but tonight there is only one thing that is bothering me, my father.

So here I sit in my room, wondering if I am the only one this shit happens to. I was really hungry so I decided to go make dinner. But my father got angry at me because I wanted to go into the kitchen and make food. He insisted I had to wait til his show was done because he didn’t want me touching anything. I hadn’t eaten anything in almost two days so I wasn’t waiting. Long story short my dad started yelling at me calling me names and saying I was as pathetic as my mother. The situation escalated from words to violence. I got the shit beaten out of me.

Now it doesn’t get me down as much as you’d think it would. It just makes it hard to stay focussed or motivated when it comes to every day things. I’m starting to fail at school, I don’t want to see my friends or anyone else anymore. I just want to sit in my room all day alone. I am at that point where I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to end up like one of those unemployed drop kick losers that has no friends or anyone that loves them.