Alone?

You know when there is one thing on your mind? Every second, every minute, every hour, everyday, every week of every month since it happened.

And you try so hard not to feel how you do inside about it. Too painful to remember yet equally painful to forget. You try not to let the thoughts get to you, not to let yourself remember how much you failed. How it was your fault. If you hadn’t of fucked up, you wouldn’t be feeling this way. You wouldn’t be alone.

And you want to feel pain, because it’s better than feeling nothing. Than being empty. Because you owe to it this thing you can’t stop thinking about, to its memory. Because without it you shouldn’t be happy. But you are also hesitant to feel. Because deep down you are so miserable that you are afraid. Afraid that it will consume you and turn you bitter. And the cycle begins. First you feel sad, upset because of it all. Every night you cry yourself to sleep because you can’t stand the thoughts, the memories. And then you become angry, at yourself. At the world, at the fact you are in this situation on the first place. Almost wishing you could forget. Then comes the emptiness.

I have tried everything to stop all these feelings. And out of all of them the emptiness is probably the worst. I have tried distracting myself, with anything and everything. Girlfriends, fuck buddies, one night stands, drinking, smoking, drugs, smoking, work, sports, study, playing an instrument, hanging out with friends, distancing myself from friends. And nothing has worked. No matter what or who I do I feel empty. And if for some reason I don’t feel empty I’m either sad or angry. I keep telling myself I need to feel pain. Not self inflicted pain, but the pain I feel when I’m sad, but worse. The pain of heartbreak. Because the more you hurt the more it shows you care… Doesn’t it? Because even though I’m the only one who will know, the pain represents how much I miss you.

Without you, the world has lost it’s beauty. The stars don’t shine as bright, the air is slightly colder and the nights are so much longer. I just need you, the one thing I can never see ever again.

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Adjusting

So it’s been about two, three months now? Since I moved out of dads. And I think I have finally adjusted to my new surroundings. The street I currently live on, feels like it’s come out of some Hollywood picture perfect sort of film. Like the Truman Show or something. I have always lived in a nice upper middle class neighbourhood (if that makes sense) but I have never seen a community so close and friendly with each other.

As I helped my friends dad (better father figure than my real father hands down) with the weeding, I began to mull over the current situation and my surroundings in my head. As we pulled the weeds out, we discussed the origins of mead in medieval times, and other various aspects of medieval times. Such as architecture, gender roles, beer brewing etc. And as this was going on, the neighbours children were outside playing, and upon seeing us pulling the weeks walked over and started to help us. I felt perplexed. Here we were having a typical Saturday doing your average family sort of thing. The kids were telling us stories, and the boy was talking to me about soccer.

I looked around at the perfectly mowed lawns and trimmed hedges. The shiny polished cars, and other happy kids playing in their yards amongst themselves and the parents getting involved. I couldn’t help but wonder what growing up in this environment (from day one) would of been like. It wasn’t long before the kids father came over and said hi, then took his son back to their yard and started playing soccer with him. As I mentioned earlier on, the boy (was about eight) was talking to me about soccer. He was very proud because he made it into some special soccer league, and was within the top five for his age group at school. Every afternoon after school, I hear him and his dad playing soccer together. I watched them kick the ball together, and listened to his father giving him tips on how to be the best. I thought back to when I was around his age, and how much I liked soccer. Then I remember all those weekends I spent kicking the ball against the wall by myself, because father didn’t want or have time, and mum was busy doing the house work after a full week at work. I remember being out there all day on the weekends, because I was trying to get better for try outs for the team. I never made it into the team of course.

The thing that really gets to me, is my friends parents are trying so hard to get me involved, to make me feel like I belong. But whenever I feel like I do or they try and have a parental sort of conversation with me, I just feel completely out of place, like I don’t belong here. Take tomorrow (well actually today) for instance. It’s Easter. And they are going to a friends for dinner and we are all expected to attend. I feel weird about going. What are there friends going to say about me? What are they going to ask me? How are they going to explain my presence there? They also want to take me to dads tomorrow to say hi. I don’t want to go. And they are in the process of organising my enrolment back into high school. I appreciate all the effort and it does make me feel good, but some how it just reminds how this isn’t truly my place. My family. Maybe it is a little too late.

Miss you.

It’s 2am, and I can’t think clearly. The memories of you are just running through my mind. I think back to the time when you were around, and while everything was far from perfect… At least I had you. I think of you everyday, but not properly. I remember things, I remember you. But it’s like I block out all the feelings that come along with those memories. Why? Because you were my everything. Because despite everything else, all that matter was when I held you in my arms. The world could be falling apart around me, and as long as I had you; I knew I’d be okay. Because with all that love, all that happiness you brought me, I now have emptiness. It’s something so hard to describe. And tonight, it’s all coming through. All this time blocking out how I feel. And I can’t breathe. My chest feels tight. I try to take a deep breath but I physically can’t. And my heart, it hurts. It feels like something has wrapped its hands around it, and is squeezing as hard as it can. As I lay here in bed, I wonder… Do you think of me? Do you remember? Like I remember? Because when I think about you with someone else, I can’t comprehend it. I try to tell myself you are happy, and that’s what matters. All I want is what’s best for you, but it hurts so much knowing you aren’t with me. It’s my fault I know, and that’s what makes it worse.

The pillow you use to lay your head on, I still keep in my bed. Every night when I go to sleep, I place it next to me. But since it’s been so long, your scent from your pillow is gone. Just another fading memory, I’m so desperately trying to hold onto. Where are you? I hope you are well. Me? I’m not doing so great. I need you so badly, and right now I’m so alone. But I guess that’s my fault too. No one else is worth my time now you’re gone. I have nothing to say to anyone unless it’s about you. And even when I talk about you what’s the point? It can’t be fixed, and I still don’t know anyone who truly understands how I feel. My bed is empty, I’m struggling to carry on. I keep staring at the photos but they just remind me you are gone. And it’s so hard tonight, I can’t keep it all in. I don’t know where to turn, I don’t know who to talk to. I just wish you were here, I hope you know I will always love you.

2am thoughts

As I mentioned in a previous post, I moved out of my dads. It’s been quite strange at times, not having to worry about him bothering me. I’m slowly adjusting to “normal” life. Today my friends parents took me shopping. For clothes and furniture for my room. And as I looked out and saw other families, I noticed little differences. People smiling at us, the occasional chat with complete strangers in the lift. Then I sort of took a step back, and realised what we must look like to the rest of the world. The comparison between going shopping with them, and if I was with my father.

Not only is my father a lazy prick, he doesn’t smile or talk with strangers. He isn’t overly polite. He’s just arrogant and selfish, thinks he’s better than the rest. When my father and I go shopping it’s forced, he rather pay someone money to take me shopping for the things I need. And when he can’t find someone to do it and has to come with me it’s so awkward. I think people can see that. I use to walk around with him and see all those people that were in the shopping centre with their parents and think “I wonder what that’s like.” And you know what? Today I found out.

To the rest of the world we are just another happy family spending our weekend shopping. I couldn’t help but look around and smile like an idiot. In my brief moment of happiness, it crept up on me. This really isn’t my family (as much as I’d like them to be, these are the people who were friends with my mum). Do I just look like some kid they felt sorry for and decided to bring along to the shops? And then I started to analyse everything. This environment, so happy and relaxed… I felt uneasy in it. Part of me feels like I don’t belong, maybe because I’m so use to putting up with my father.

What seems to bother me the most, is instead of enjoying my new found freedom and acceptance, I’m questioning it. I’m feeling uncomfortable by it. I wonder why this is the case?

2013

First month of 2013 is almost over, can you believe it?! I know I can’t. Last year went so fast, it all seems like a blur. Especially the last few months. Between November and where we are now, so much has changed. Not only did I end up dating Carol, we ended just as unexpectedly as we started. But Carol is the least of my concerns at the moment. I have left my dad’s place, which in the long run is great but something feels wrong. I don’t miss being around him, because he was an asshole, but I just feel uneasy all the time. In the new place I’m at it’s great, I’m surrounded by people who care and love me, but for some reason I feel more alone and isolated than ever before. The days either drag on, or speed up and just sort of turn into a massive blur. I find myself spending more of my days laying around in bed or on the couch, and less and less talking to friends (not that any of my friends really care enough to see me) or going out. I’m always tired, not to mention the fact I have gained 5kg and lost the majority of muscle and definition. I think I’m stuck in a rut, or maybe this is what I’m meant to be.

To give you all an idea of what my day consists of (which isn’t much) here is what I did today:

11am – Woke up, watched porn. Went back to sleep.
12:30pm – Went up stairs, had lunch. Laid on the couch.
1:00pm – Had a shower, more porn. Back to the couch.
5:30pm – Ordered dinner.
6:00pm – Back to the couch, watched movies.
12:00am – Got up, went to bed.
1:30am – Started to write this blog. Thinking about porn.

Apart from the uneventful day, the sad thing is, it’s an effort to watch porn. Maybe I just need a good nights sleep and attempt this blog thing in the morning.

End of year celebrations?

So it’s that time again, end of the year. School/University ends, holidays are close and christmas is about a month away. Happy time yes? Not really. I don’t know about all of you, but i personally hate Christmas. But I will get to that later.

To be honest I think my world is slowly coming to pieces around me. I haven’t been to school in about two months. While things with Carol went from bad, to worse; then to good… I still don’t think things will work out. And more and more am I finding my friends failing me. Either not making the effort or cancelling our plans. I may not be at school but I still make an effort to stay in contact with all my friends and see them, it’s not crazy to think they’d do the same for me. I am at an all time low. With not being at school, and not having a job the prospect of making Carol my girlfriend is very slim. The prospect of having a girlfriend, any girl to be my girlfriend is ridiculously slim. I just want things to pick up, for everything to be good again. But I am having trouble getting there. And with everything going on lately, I am sick of trying.

And then you add Christmas to it. Like I said earlier I hate Christmas. Not only does my father LOVE to celebrate Christmas, his idea of Christmas altogether is idiotic. Yes I know it’s a time for being with the people you love, but it’s also about giving and sharing (right?). And he only gives if you have earned it throughout the year. Now my brother, has slacked off as much as I have, except he’s done it since the beginning of the year. And what will he get for Christmas? Oh probably everything he wants, like always. I have already been informed that due to my recent behaviour, there will be no presents for me. And to top it all off I have to put up with everyone coming over, and everyone but me getting presents. I’ve tried talking to my father, giving him hints about things I might want for Christmas, and his response? “You don’t deserve presents. I’m not wasting money on you. You want everything that comes out.” What the fuck?! I wish I could just find somewhere to go on Christmas day, where I don’t have to see anyone or do anything. Just be alone.

Actually I kind of wish I had of gone to school. Maybe things would be different right now. Maybe I’d have a girlfriend. Maybe I’d be having a good Christmas. I don’t know. Either way I am not looking forward to Christmas time.

Bad luck

So lately, I seem to be having a lot of bad luck. Not only have I been getting sick more often, but it’s starting to get more serious each time. Lady Luck isn’t in my side at all. So apart from something being wrong with my insides, tonight I discovered a very small (about 5 cent piece small, actually probably smaller) bald patch. I am too young for this (turning 21 is still quite a while away…). But I am a little worried, hoping it’s nothing serious.

So currently I am waiting for Felix Baumgartner to attempt his leap from 37 kilometres above ground. Hopefully all goes well for him.

Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into certain situations. Actually what I wonder even more is how I think half of the situations are a good idea even before things go bad. The reason I am rambling about all of this is because a day ago I decided that drinking at my ex girlfriends house alone while her parents were away on holidays was a good idea. I’m not sure why, but I am still feeling terribly anxious after spending the night with her. Even though we slept in separate beds, and nothing much happened… Maybe I feel uneasy because she’s my ex girlfriend.

Sleep eludes me, and my minds running wild. I need a distraction.