2am thoughts

As I mentioned in a previous post, I moved out of my dads. It’s been quite strange at times, not having to worry about him bothering me. I’m slowly adjusting to “normal” life. Today my friends parents took me shopping. For clothes and furniture for my room. And as I looked out and saw other families, I noticed little differences. People smiling at us, the occasional chat with complete strangers in the lift. Then I sort of took a step back, and realised what we must look like to the rest of the world. The comparison between going shopping with them, and if I was with my father.

Not only is my father a lazy prick, he doesn’t smile or talk with strangers. He isn’t overly polite. He’s just arrogant and selfish, thinks he’s better than the rest. When my father and I go shopping it’s forced, he rather pay someone money to take me shopping for the things I need. And when he can’t find someone to do it and has to come with me it’s so awkward. I think people can see that. I use to walk around with him and see all those people that were in the shopping centre with their parents and think “I wonder what that’s like.” And you know what? Today I found out.

To the rest of the world we are just another happy family spending our weekend shopping. I couldn’t help but look around and smile like an idiot. In my brief moment of happiness, it crept up on me. This really isn’t my family (as much as I’d like them to be, these are the people who were friends with my mum). Do I just look like some kid they felt sorry for and decided to bring along to the shops? And then I started to analyse everything. This environment, so happy and relaxed… I felt uneasy in it. Part of me feels like I don’t belong, maybe because I’m so use to putting up with my father.

What seems to bother me the most, is instead of enjoying my new found freedom and acceptance, I’m questioning it. I’m feeling uncomfortable by it. I wonder why this is the case?

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