There’s that one moment, where you realise whether everything you have been working so hard for is either going to work or fail. I’m sure hoping this isn’t one of those moments. Now I don’t know if this is because of my current state of mind, lack of focus over the past few weeks, being over tired, being a negative nancy or the truth, but I think it’s all starting to unravel and fail. And the worse part is… I know I’m better than this. At least I think so. I don’t know anymore. But lately I can’t seem to get the strength or motivation to do anything (if my life depended on me completing my goal I have set out to do, I would go out and do all the things I want to do before I die). I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to mess this up. But I think I am. I don’t know what to do anymore. Do I press on, and fight my way through this? Or do I just fall down and fail, like I am starting to think I will. And i know everyone is waiting for my inevitable failure. I can picture where and what I want to be in the future so clearly. I was so sure I could do this, but right now it seems like someone else’s dream. It seems so murky, so far away. So foreign. I can see what I want, but the more I try and concentrate on the picture, and try and give a face to the people I see, the blurry it gets.
Okay, so lately I have been thinking about how much time has gone by and how so little has changed. And how our days are limited. It sometimes frightens me to think just how quickly the years seem to go by. It starts by your days going faster, then weeks, then months and eventually years. And I guess to your average normal person the usual thought they would have would be something along the lines of “geez this year has gone awfully fast!” but see to me that isn’t what happens. Although my life hasn’t overall changed too much, my time left on this planet has. When ever I am going to die, I am getting closer to that day. And it really freaks me out to think that one day I am going to lose my conscious. That day that I die, when it happens, I will know what is happening. And I won’t be able to stop it. And by then I would of lived through the deaths of my loved ones. Friends, family pets. Only to meet the same end they and millions of those before me did. And then what? That is it. No more me. I loose conscious, I die. My body is placed in a cemetery (I hope) and will break down and decompose into nothing like everyone else. Life goes on, and I don’t exist. I will never experience this world ever again, I will never get to replay my memories in my head. It will be as if I never existed in the first place.
What’s happening to me? It’s a saturday night and I’m home alone. Well not entirely alone, my dad is here. Even though he has some slut over. My friends mum dropped me home not too long ago, because dad wouldn’t let me stay over my friends place (the whole father son bond is non existent between my dad and I). I hate coming back to my house, especially when dad has company over. My friends family is awesome, they use to be really close friends with my mum before she left my dad. They have known me since before I was born. They are pretty much my parents. If I’m ever sick or there is an emergency of any kind, and they need to call my parents I always give their number.
I just hate this feeling. Sitting alone in my room by myself while everyone is out having fun. Right now I could be at my friends house, either playing 360 or ps3, or meeting up with everyone and chilling. Instead I have the delight of hearing my dad and this slut going at it. Right now, I am beaten, I am worn down. As I was trying to explain at the early hours of this morning in my previous blog, last night was ruined by my father. You see lately, I have stopped going to the gym, and have been focussing more on my studies and getting ready for university. In my fathers eyes this makes me weak. A real man works out, plays sport, gets drunk. He isn’t sitting behind a desk reading or looking up at the night sky watching the stars. Such an idiotic idea. There is nothing wrong with doing any of the things I just mentioned, and I would love to have the time to go to the gym. But lately my priorities have changed. I want to do something with my life, not in the sense of changing the world or saving something… I want to understand, I want to know what gives things in our universe mass, I want to know why the big bang happened. Are there other dimensions? Can we verify string theory? Will we ever be able to travel through a black hole? But my father seems to think that makes me less masculine. That it makes me weak.
But back to what I was saying before, I had such a great day yesterday. Then I got home and my father ruined everything by yelling at me, and calling me weak, telling me I am pathetic like mum. You know, I don’t blame her for leaving, I want to leave. There is only so much you can push a person before they snap. But it’s going to be worse tonight, once he’s done with that woman, he’s going to come into my room like he does every night. He’s going to look for a fight. Pushing me until I snap, and force a confrontation. He’s like a dog, needing to assert himself as the alpha male around a younger male. Tonight he has an audience, one which will probably (by the look of her) cheer on his animalistic behaviour. I don’t particularly feel like getting shoved around so he can satisfy his ego in front of some slut. I could respond, but I’m not sinking to his level.
I can’t help but feel so isolated from the rest of the world right now. Yes I go to school everyday. Go on walks or hang out with friends, but the way I see the world at the moment is different. I know you should never compare your life or your situation with anyone else, right now I’m struggling not to. I think this is getting in the way of how I socially interact with the rest of the world. The workload from school and “problems at home” seem to be making me inept at life. All my friends have girlfriends, or a friend with benefits. They have both parents, and have a good relationship with their parents. I have neither of these (there I go comparing again). And I can’t talk to anyone about it, because the second I try and open my mouth to talk I just choke up. Then again the way my dad has raised me, if he knew how I felt, I’d cop a good beating for being such a “sissy”.
When I’m at my friends house, there isn’t a care in the world. I can have conversations with his parents. We interact, we do things together. Their house is my home. I have never felt such a strong sense of belonging.
And there it was, the inevitable fight. The confrontation. Right now, I hate myself. I feel so low, so worthless. I know I’m better than this, or at least I think I’m suppose to be.
Today was great, actually today was an amazing day (until later tonight but I will get to that part later). Today was the first time in a while that I saw Carol. I was feeling pretty confident, that I was over the whole situation we have. I was proven wrong. The second I arrived, and she saw me take my seat, she stood up and ran over to hug me and greet me (she gives amazing hugs…). She made class interesting. I took my usual seat with the boys (I sit in the back corner and I like to have at least a desk to one side empty so I can throw my bag and books everywhere) and she left her seat with the girls and came down to sit next to me. She was chatty asking me about the holidays, and telling me that hers weren’t really that fun. I briefly told her about mine and got stuck into my work. I took my jumper off because it was hot, and she kept staring at me. I didn’t know what to do so I kept doing my work. She kept starting at me and then buried her head into my neck sniffing my shirt. Still didn’t know what to do, so I continued to write. She asked me to help her with her work, so I did. Honestly though, my mind is never right on a Friday. I’m constantly in weekend mode. She kept asking me about her appearance and if she looked okay, and I sheepishly replied she looked great. She informed me that her boyfriend said hi, and at the moment she was getting sick of him. Which I wasn’t sure what to reply to. See this is why I am so confused with her, because the signals she sends me throughout the rest of the class were very confusing. She kept touching my arm, my back, my side or playing with my hair. She spent half the lesson with her head on my shoulder or her face buried in my neck, sniffing my shirt. Which I must admit, was nice. And if that wasn’t enough, she kept resting her legs on my lap. At one point, I was writing in my book and she was stoking all up and down my arm, just staring at it. So I looked at her and she realised I was looking, and she kind of shook her head, stopped and laughed. She showed me her new shirt she bought (low cut, practically see through, tits coming out of her shirt) and with all the touching and boobs in my face, I couldn’t help but stare. She is so hot!!! And she has such pretty eyes, such an amazing body! I would kill to have her pressed against me.
Other guys in class are always hitting on her, and while she was talking to me some other guy came up to her and started talking to her. Which was fine for me, because for some reason all ability I have to be smooth, or the ability to speak in well structured sentences seem to go out the window when I’m with her. I must come across as the biggest dork when we speak. I couldn’t help but notice though, while she was talking to the other guy she asked him to help her with a question. To which he responded “It’s easy do it yourself, I can’t help you in a exam.” Which I guess is fair, but the tone he used and the look he gave her was unpleasent. She was not impressed by this comment, replying with a “thanks for making me feel like shit.” But that wasn’t the only thing he said to her, I mean he was being a real asshole to her, flirting with her at the same time. And she was eating it up. See usually that would be me, being an asshole (to a certain extent) and having a girl think I’m amazing. But I can’t do that with her. It’s so frustrating. It’s like I loose my ability to talk to girls successfully when we converse. Dare I say I like her? I know this is stupid and I keep going on about her, but maybe she might like me? I’m not sure anymore, I’m not even sure how I feel about her. Frustrated.
She came for a walk with me to get a slurpee on our twenty minute break, which was cool. While we were walking back she saw a friend and went over to say hi, then came back and said “I could never abandon you, you’re my friend.” COOL! See there it is, she sees me as her friend. Maybe I’m over thinking this. I don’t know. I’m not using to acting like this, because of a girl. Fuck I think I do like her…
I need sleep. Right now.
First off, I’m very happy to see I have comments and likes on my posts! 🙂 Was very surprised. Today has been very unproductive for me. I slept in until midday and played xbox all day. I was suppose to be revising as I go back to school tomorrow and I also have an assignment due next week that I have completely forgotten to get a start on. Lately I seem to be putting a lot of things off, and I seem to be unmotivated. Which isn’t good. I am dreading going back to school instead of being happy and excited about getting my brain back into learning mode (the more I know the better, I need to be smarter!). At least I only have one lecture tomorrow, so minimal effort will be required. The bright side is I get to see my school friends again, I might even see Carol who I haven’t spoken to in over a week. This should be interesting.
On a slightly different topic there was something I was very excited about. I watched the new episode of The Big Bang Theory and was thrilled to see Stephen Hawking. Last week Leonard Nimoy (voice only) was on the show and now Stephen Hawking, I wonder who they will have next? Below is the clip of Stephen Hawking’s appearance on TBBT.
I have currently been on Easter holidays, and just arrived home today. Not only have these past few weeks been strange, but my blog posting has seemed to fail, not that I am getting any views. I guess the best I can do is keep posting and hope one person a day/week reads my blog, that will be awesome enough for me. So I have had exams and had this “thing” going on with that girl named Carol. Since that post where I mentioned her I have been to her house at least five times, and have had her walking around in her underwear while I’m there. I think she does it just to amuse herself with my reaction. Tutoring someone as hot as her, in her underwear, affects my ability to teach. I still don’t know how she sees me, but I know she’s flirting with me. She knows I think she is sexy. And she loves it when she sees me sit there in confusion not knowing how to react with the way she behaves around me. I also met her boyfriend last week, he actually seemed like an alright guy to hang out with. So I feel kind of bad that she’s… well I don’t know what ever it is she’s doing with me. And the cherry on top of the disaster of my life at the moment (at least the part of my life that has to do with girls) is I haven’t had sex in months. I don’t think I have ever watched so much porn in my life. Not that I would particularly like to have a girlfriend at the moment, but I wonder why no girl seems to like me lately?